Baby Pulsipher is a...?

So since none of this pregnancy was a surprise....since it really couldn't be, I really wanted to have at least one part of it a big and exciting surprise....finding out the gender.  We had it all planned out.  My aunt from Cali does photography and was excited for something to of course build her variety of pics on her page.  She was going to be down the exact week that I was 20 weeks.  This week :)  We were going to have the ultrasound tech not tell us the gender but put the picture in an envelope.  We would then give it to my aunt Torrie and she would fill a box that we had decorated, with either pink or blue balloons and then we'd have a photoshoot opening the box and discovering the gender of our baby to be.

After graduating from the Fertility Center, it was time for us to move on and find a Doctor here in Vernal.  I heard wonderful things about Dr. Nolte and decided that he was the one to go to (since I had experience with other Doctors here that I was NOT impressed with).  Also, Dr. Nolte is the only specialized Dr. here.  So when I called I was about 13 weeks and they needed me to get in asap.  They take their patients up to 8 weeks, so I was grateful they would still let me come.  Dr. Nolte was seriously wonderful.  He listened and understood things and was more than happy to answer all of our questions.  He happily agreed to the things that we wanted and didn't want in this pregnancy.  We were then taken back to have the ultrasound, which compared to the ones we had previously seen, it was really hard to make out anything that we were seeing.  After the first 8 or 9 shots, Dr. Nolte stops on one and my adorable husband.....exlaims, "That's a penis!"  Dr then agreed that sure enough it sure looked like one of those.  I would upload the pic if I could, but it's on my phone and I don't have a scanner.  But it was taken from beneath him, so all we could see was his bottom, two cute little legs and something definitely in between.  Are you serious!?  13 weeks!?  Bailey was not excited for the fact that we would have to wait so long to find out the gender, so the entire time he was looking for that one thing and he surely found it and messed up my cute lil surprise! :)  Oh well.  It's funny, because a couple days before the appt Bailey had said that he felt like we were going to have a girl.  Now, let me tell you.  I was definitely wanting a girl.  I wanted to paint her nails and dress her up (which all disgusted Bailey as he wanted her to be a plain chick, into motorcycling and such).  But I was such a believer in being "jinxed" that whenever I was asked what I wanted I would reply, "Either."  :)  But when Bailey asked what he felt like I was having....I really felt like I was having a boy.  And sure enough we were.  I thought that was pretty neat and most definitely know that mothers are in tune to the little ones that they are carrying.  But when I saw the ultrasound, I was ecstatic.  So in-case of it being an accident, and what looked like a little boy ended up being the umbilical cord, we felt best that we keep it a secret.  But that didn't work out well. Whenever I was asked if we knew the gender, or whenever I was with family, my face couldn't hide it.  So now it is out!  We haven't seen a good picture of "him" since the 13 week ultrasound, but are pretty sure that we will be having a beautiful boy entering our home in November.  I am pretty excited to have another little Bailey running around.  There is never a dull moment.  :)  As far as names.....we haven't found one.  : /

A Really Bad Dream...

Oh gosh, I don't even know where to start!  .... After like two weeks of work I was able to enjoy a much needed weekend alone with my wonderful husband.  Work was hard, I'd have random spasms that lasted a minute or two and then would go away.  As long as I was listening to my body and would work in a chair, during the day I would be fine.  But then I started being woke up in middle of the night from intense terrible stabs on my right side.  Any time I would move in my sleep it would wake me up.  It was horrible.  But after holding completely still for a minute or two it would go away enough for me to relax and fall asleep again.....if I could.  After our wonderful weekend Monday was our 8 week ultrasound.  This would be the last one until we met with our Infertility Doctor at 9 weeks and we would GRADUATE!  Oh my YAY!  So Monday was great.  For the first time, we heard the babies heartbeat.  Oh.  My.  Amazing.  I totally bawled.  How beautiful.  I wanted to listen to it all day long.  My ovaries were still very large and my nurse said that that is what would still be causing my pain. I also had the beginning of a Urinary Tract Infection and so that pretty much was enough for me to hear.  My UTI's make me terribly sick and have me on the floor in pain, so really we figured that it was a mixture of that and the ovary causing the grief.  Hearing that heartbeat though, really made all the bad and ugly not be so bad and ugly any more.  The next morning around six I woke up with again terrible right sided pain.  But this was the worst it had been.  I couldn't help from crying and grasping the sides of the bed trying to gain control or any relief.  I had Bailey call the after hours Infertility line who told him that they wanted me to come in first thing that morning.  See, the clinic is three hours away.  We had just made the 6 hour drive round trip the day before.  We were NOT thrilled to do that again.  So Bailey, thinking it is just an attack of my ovaries gave me 2 of my Oxycodone and I was able to fall asleep.  It wasn't but two hours later that I woke again with incredible pain.  I told Bailey that this was not right, it just did not feel right.  I couldn't handle this any longer and I felt like we needed to go the the Emergency Room.  Bailey called the Infertility Center since by now they were open and talked to my nurse who told him to get me in the the ER immedietly.  I could hardly walk and nausea was overtaking me.  But I blame that on the Oxycodone since I was also pretty much floating and spinning at the same time.  We got to the the ER where after a couple of minutes they got me back to a room.  The attack had worn off for now so I was able to calm down and breathe :)  Once back in the room they had me strip and get into a gown.  I sat on the bed where they retrieved my vitals and then told us that I would need an IV.  I think by this time another attack had come on and so they were anxious to get not only some pain meds in me but also some Zofran for my nausea.  Of course the IV was a piece of work and I think that they only had to poke me twice to get it.  But I was so engrossed in the pain of my ovary that I wasn't paying any attention to the IV.  That was a blessing.  I blame the medications for the fuzzy remembrance of this time but I will tell you as much as I can possibly remember.  So if it sounds kinda scrambled, it's because of the fuzzy memory while I was a druggie.  Because my pain was a 10 (or to me a 15), they gave me the strongest they had....stronger than Morphine.  Dilaudid.  Oh yes.  The sacred Dilauded.  I had heard plenty about this amazing drug from my husband when he was going through cancer.  He LOVED....loved is probably even an understatement....but he really loved this stuff.  So I was feeling pretty good about the fact that they were going to be giving me it and felt confident it would cover my pain and I would be able to sleep.  For the past 2 hours I had been trying not to cry because that only made the pain worse, so I was very anxious for it to be gone! They put 1 mL through my IV and I continued to cry and squirm.  Not much longer they gave me another 1 mL and Bailey kept asking me, almost in an unbelievable tone, "Are you really not feeling it?  You don't even feel it going to your head? You don't feel anything?"  I felt nothing.  Nothing. Not one bit of relief.  After 4 mL in I think a half hour to maybe 45 min and still no relief I seriously thought, "My goodness, what in the world is going on!?"  I felt terrible as I could do nothing but cry and shreak as my poor husband, feeling so helpless, just sat there in agony. He later told me that all he was able to have was I think 1 mL ever two hours and I had had 4 times that in less than one hour.  I kinda felt really bad to be doing this to not only my little body but to my new baby. An ultrasound had been ordered and so that wasn't fun. The pushing and prodding didn't help at all.  In the ultrasound they of course saw my very large orange like ovaries covered with cysts.  Which we didn't know about at all.  They wanted to see if they could see my appendix but because of my huge ovary loves to be center of attention, they were unable to. All this time I was itching like crazy and soon found that it was from all the Dilaudid.  Bailey had gotten me a cold washcloth which I loved and I had been wiping myself down with it.  I found that rubbing my face (especially my nose) seriously felt amazing.  I would just rub and rub and rub.  When the nurse found out I was crazy itchy she came in and gave me Benedryl and that, that my friends, is what knocked me out. That is when my love for Benedryl first started.  I was out for I don't even know how long but awoken by a Dr telling me our options.  I of course couldn't keep my eyes open and Bailey had left I think to get some breakfast while I was somewhat sedated.  He returned not long after the Dr had got there and there they discussed our options.  They then admitted me and took me to the Med/Surg floor.  It wasn't until later that I found that Bailey and the Doc had discussed the options of what could be done, all the pros and cons.  The Dr felt that it could be my appendix.  Later we also had ideas that maybe it was kidney stones. We had also let them know that I was on medication for a UTI.  But to really find out the problem we would have to do a CT scan, but the radiation could harm the baby or they could do a Laproscopy, which the anesthesia could also harm the baby.  Bailey felt that it would be best to wait it out for a bit and see what happens, with the hopes that it would pass.  After everything we had been through, he of course, was not ready to hurt the baby or even chance it.  This hospital stay was terrible.  I honestly couldn't believe how terrible the service was. They served such terrible food (tater tots I couldn't even break open with my fingers) and with each new nurse I got we had to fight for pain medication. I seriously mean fight and with each one we lost. I would have an attack, lay there crying and squirming and the nurse would NOT give me anymore Dilaudid.  Working in a hospital I knew the importance of pain control and was getting oober upset that they were not making me comfortable. I had orders for 2 mL every 2 hours.  When I would be having an insane attack they would only give me 1 mL.  I totally knew that other patients could hear me crying and yet the nurses refused saying, "I'm just not comfortable giving you that much." So for some stupid reason they didn't feel "comfortable" with Doctors orders, thinking they were smarter than he. We would tell them that I had three times as much in the ER but even then they would tell us that they didn't feel comfortable.  Finally our Dr came in during an episode and straight up told the nurse to give it to me, like what were they waiting for. You could see the annoyed look in the nurses eyes, but I was so grateful.  But of course that was a one time deal.  Nurses wouldn't stay on top of my pain and so my pain wasn't managed one bit.  They would just stay away from my room as I squirmed in bed in agony, knowing that if they would just give me medication I'd be able to tolerate it.  On Monday at the Infertility Center I mentioned that we had discovered that I had a beginning of a UTI.  I had had one once but with the first test my urine showed not one trace of an infection.  It wasn't until the following Monday (after a long weekend) that they found out with a second test that indeed I had a UTI.  Mine are so different.  I was dry heaving and dizzy and so nauseated.  All from a UTI.  After the second or third attack after being admitted we asked the nurse if I was receiving anything for my UTI.  "You have a UTI?" She didn't even KNOW that I had one.  It was never passed on. This was only the beginning, too, of people not listening to us. So I was put on an antibiotic for my UTI, finally. With each attack, I hated putting my husband through this.  He would get so angry and frustrated because there was nothing he could do.  It was so hard for both of us.  Men like to fix things and women just need comfort. So it was hard because Bailey would get frustrated that he couldn't do anything to help me and he felt that the hospital would do that for him, but not even that was working.  So I can understand his frustration. That night I got the best nurse that I had had yet. I told her what had been going on and that I felt that if we stayed on top of the medication that I wouldn't have the attacks.  I asked her to please wake me up each time my medication was due, which was every 4 hours.  Each time she would give me the full amount.  I was able to sleep through the night and woke up even feeling so much better.  After being there two days they decided to put me back on Oxycodone and say goodbye.  Neither of us felt ready or good about this, but that was that and we were discharged.  That night I was awake late and after a can of chicken noodle soup took the numerous pills they had given me.  Right after I felt as though one had gotten lodged in the middle of my throat.  I had warmed up another can of soup but as soon as I took one spoonful I became incredibly nauseated.  I took some nausea medication and soon fell asleep.  Some time early in the morning I awoke and still felt terrible. Bailey, the great guy he is,  thought that what I explained could be heartburn. So he set me up a nice bed on the couch in our room, so I could sleep sitting up.  I woke up feeling the same way, still feeling like there was something lodged and in turn it was making me feel oober nauseated.  Bailey made some german pancakes which I hoped would force the pill down. And even after eating the feeling had not gone away.  It felt like there was a huge blockage right in middle of my chest that needed to be gotten out.  I couldn't handle it any longer so I went to the bathroom and after a few tries I was able to throw up.....a TON.  I kept my eyes closed bc I have a strong love for german pancakes and didn't want this to ruin that love.  After the sink running for a good couple of minutes I opened my eyes thinking it would for sure be gone.  Holy throw up.  That was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen.  And not only that, but it was bad enough to be throwing up "sweet."  That isn't how it is supposed to be.  So after a good time spent in the bathroom I shakily found my way back to the couch where my nice bed was. Once back and settled the feeling of something being lodged was STILL. THERE.  After a long morning and afternoon I decided to call the hospital.  My discharge papers said that if there was any nausea or vomiting that I needed to call.  So after talking to three different people I was told that I needed to once again, come in to the ER. Ughhhh. It being a Friday I had of course tried to call my Dr first, but of course he was out of the office by 12:30.  So once again we were on our way to the ER.  I of course was crying, apologizing and feeling terrible for putting my husband through all of this.  He wasn't able to work or help me or do anything   So once again we are in the ER, telling the nurse the new stuff going on.  Again it only took two pokes to get my IV.  I think this was just going to be the norm from now on.  After some Zofran and an EKG the ER Dr came in.  After telling him our whole story he came and felt my right side, which really had been feeling better.  But the places he pushed really hurt.  I of course jumped and squirmed.  He started talking about my right sided pain and we asked what about my chest (you know, the whole reason we are coming in....AGAIN?).  He told us that he was more worried about my right side pain.  So that was the end of my chest story.   And we again went through everything all again.  Our options and everything else.  I was then taken down to the Ultrasound place where we would again try to locate my appendix.  This ultrasound was AMAZING!  We got to see the baby moving and it's nubs of feet and arms moving!  It even had one of its arms all over the place and I think it was waving :)  The lady was able to locate my appendix as far as she could tell.  Once we were out of the room our Dr met us.  He had us step over to the side of the hall and told us that my white blood count was again high, this time 20,000.  The first admission it was at 18 and got down to 12.  Now we were back up.  He told us there that he believed it was the appendix and that surgery had to be done.  That we couldn't leave it in me or it could lead to death of not only the baby, but me as well.  This was very painful to hear and I just looked down as he talked, trying to hold the tears back.  I tried keeping any negative thoughts from entering my mind.  So we sadly were taken back to the ER room and there were prepared for surgery.  We called our mothers to pass on the word so that we could receive all the prayers we possibly could.  We called the Infertility Center to let them know, and they seemed to not be concerned about this at all. ???  So many people had been telling us of how the narcotics and anesthesia could harm our baby.  But then it clicked.  I had been drained three times and each time received some form of anesthesia.  They apparently weren't worried about the baby.  Bailey was able to call Dr Foulk, our Infertility Dr, who told him that there really should be no harm to the baby.  So for the past 4 days we had been scared out of our minds of all the narcotics and such that I had been filled with, being told that this could harm my baby and lead to miscarriage and now we hear that really we have nothing to worry about.  Just one more frustration, especially with the thought of all the pain that I was made to sit through because the nurses didn't feel right about it. So, now I was at least a bit more comfortable with the surgery. The anesthesiologist came in and really reassured us like our Dr did and told us of everything that would go on.  I really wasn't super nervous, even though this was my first surgery.  The only thing that was really bothering me was the terrible discomfort in my chest.  After voicing this with the anesthesiologist he gave me this very sour stuff that I had to drink.  He made it sound terrible, but I actually liked it, and it seemed to make it completely go away. Yay!  One thing gone, finally! They took me back to the surgery room and there we went through a few things.  They placed SCD's on me which are pads that wrap around your legs and pump up to prevent blood clots.  Not after long of being in the freezing room I was given the medication to fall asleep and it took not more than two seconds and I couldn't open my eyes.  Now THAT was a good feeling.  I soon woke up to see a clock read 10:30 pm and the OR nurse standing next to me doing something.  I was there for a while and then wheeled up to my room where apparently I had fallen asleep because I woke up to Bailey giving me a kiss.  I slept through the night and woke up the next morning and not long after I was having yet ANOTHER attack.  And of course we went through the same thing with this nurse.  I cannot even explain my frustration.  My incisions on my stomach weren't hurting one bit but here I am seriously dying with pain and she wouldn't give it to me.  Finally she gave me 1 mL and it didn't even touch it.  After crying in bed for almost an hour, I was seriously going to pee the bed.  I told Bailey that I really didn't know what to do because I could not move.  And I was also too afraid to try.  Bailey went and told the CNA to get a bedpan.  I didn't even care.  It hurt to be holding it in and I had to do something about it NOW.  So they both helped me on to it and already the pain started to subside.  I seriously sat on that bedpan for around 20-30 minutes.  The CNA had come in three times to ask if I was done and each time received the same answer, "Nope."  I don't think I have ever peed so much in my life.  So much, that it totally overflowed.  Disguisting, I know, but that just tells you how full I was and how terribly it hurt.  All the while the nurse just staying away from my room, ignoring my cry of pain.  It wasn't long after this that I called the nurse again and she finally gave me the other mL of Dilaudid.  AFTER my attack had settled down.  That afternoon our Dr came in and told us that they were sending us to U of U's hospital, by ambulance.  They said there they would be able to do more tests and find out what really was going on.  For the longest time I tried talking them out of an ambulance ride, but that would be going against medical advice.  I was so upset.  They said the ambulance would be here in an hour.  A half hour later they came and advised me that I would be going to IMC in Murray instead, for insurance purposes so that was courteous of them.  When Bailey found out the ambulance would be there in an hour he abruptly left to get cleaned up and also file an extension on our taxes, since we now weren't going to be able to do them.  He made it back just in time to help me onto the stretcher. So away I go for a three to four hour drive to Salt Lake because pretty much they were sick of me (thank goodness) and had no idea what to do for me.  The ride wasn't bad and I can't lie, I was grateful to be able to lay down and be taken care of the entire way. Once there we were taken up to a really really nice room and I thought in my head, "Oh man, these are gonna be some pretty bills."  I had worked for IHC for a year and a half previously and very good things were said about the one in Murray.  So I was definitely comfortable to be in their hands.  I had high hopes that we would get everything figured out.  Once the nurse got to my IV she had no idea what to do with it.  The things that Vernal had used were so old and out of date that they had nothing to hook up to it.  Because they weren't sure what to do with it, they gave me two shots in my bum cheek that they had to push in slowly and it hurt incredibly bad.  So bad that it hurt for I think about a month after! Well, I think that they found something that they thought would work so that they didn't have to pull and replace my IV.  I was grateful for that.  The chick Dr  finally arrived after forever and pretty much straight up told us that it sounds like what was going on was my appendix and that I would prob be able to leave the next day....  Um, excuse me?  I don't think there was good communication through this whole experience.  We asked a few questions that the Dr didn't really answer.  She told us that she made sure that anything I might need during the night was already in my dr's orders so that she wouldn't get a call in middle of the night.  She was training for some marathon and let us know that she didn't want her sleep to be interrupted.  I'll leave you to your own comments.  I'm sure by now that you know perfectly well how we were feeling.  I will just say that I wanted to punch her in the face. Frustrated and confused, we finally relaxed and fell asleep.  During the night my IV started to kind of hurt and was leaking quite a bit.  I had been infiltrated in the past (when the needle comes out of the vein and fills your skin with fluid) to the point of where I woke up with the size of a baseball on the inside of my wrist, and it hurt like the dickens.  So in fear of this happening again I called for the nurse.  The IV had gone bad and infiltration was beginning. She said that she would have to place another one.  Now, Bailey and I did mention that we were told we were leaving the next day and so we didn't know if another IV was particularly necessary.  We also noted that maybe they should call the Dr ;) haha, but we told them that really we felt that we didn't need to go through all the trouble of placing another one when I was leaving so soon. The next morning, bright and early at 6 a.m in came our Dr to tell us that the test results were fine and so I was able to leave anytime.  We were so pissed and confused why I just took an ambulace ride to another hospital to stay the night.... We asked if results were back on my appendix, which apparently they were not. But she told us that she had had invitro and had experienced enlarged ovaries before.  I flipped!  Finally someone who had gone through what I did!  I said, "You had hyper stimulation of your ovaries!?" "Ya" she replied, all laid back and cool about it.  I didn't believe her, "Wait," I said, "You had ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome!?" She replied, "Ya, it's normal and didn't hurt that bad." As we continued asking questions we found for ourselves that she really had no idea what we were talking about, but she did let us know that I just probably had a "low tolerance for pain" and really I was fine.  She also let us know that our insurance wasn't the best and we were going to get slammed with huge bills. Because I was about to now punch her in HER uterus and was fuming with anger, I kept my mouth shut so she would get the heck out of my room.  We figured that since we hadn't been there even a full day that we would just leave after dinner.  I got showered up for the most part.  I scrubbed and scrubbed trying to get that stinking iodine off my belly and had a wonderful nurse to help me get ready to leave.  I received a brace for the ride home, which I was very thankful for.  It was a bumpy ride and that was definitely a blessing for my new sutures. I didn't mention that I had three. Two on my left side and one right under my belly button.  This was because when they did the surgery they wanted to look around to make sure there wasn't anything else in there that could be causing any problems that maybe they were unable to see in the ultrasound.  This story could go another hour and a half of even more that we continued to go through.  Of more miscommunication, of how in the end my appendix really was fine, and now fixing the screw up with all the bills and insurance.  But! It's all ok because I have a beautiful baby in my belly that I am anxious to show off.  How in love with this little one I am! My clothes don't fit and yesterday I ripped a pair of my jeans and I love it.  Well not the price of maternity clothes....I have yet to go shopping for some.  Vernal has nothing.  But I am two days shy of being 18 weeks and I have started to feel this bugger making quite a commotion in my belly.  Each time I feel the baby move I want to cry.  It is my most favorite thing in this whole world.  I love it.  Bailey and I have our very own child growing in my belly.  I am SO SO HAPPY.  At our nine week appt with the Infertility Center we got to see our baby moving SO much.  We were told that they had never seen anything like it, I'm guessing at such an early age.  It was amazing.  It keeps getting better.  We were able to graduate and are now preparing for this little one to enter out lives. I am so excited for the next 5 1/2 months. I am so anxious to meet this beautiful child of ours.  I am sorry to those of you who have been so supportive and have kept up with my blog.  To all of you who have been praying for me and continuously checking to see how I am, only to find no new post.  It's been hard to write this and I honestly am ready to forget all of the above.  Stay tuned for a pic of my growing belly and to find out the sex :)

I apologize now for the numerous errors.  I had to force myself to finally finish this after I started it a month ago.  And I don't want to go back through it to edit it.  :)  Love to everyone from the Pulsiphers!

A Rainbow After Rain

Ok, I apologize that I have been away so long, with not one post, and left you hanging.  I have had a couple requests asking that I pull myself together and post :)  But let me explain first.  See, I have tried to post...and it is interesting that for reasons unknown my computer was not letting me post my entry.  I do, although, think that those reasons were for the better.  See, I have my days.  I have days where I have learned that I am an irritable pregnant woman.  And those days when that irritablness is high, I get so irritated at the fact that I am so irritable.  And I was going crazy.  I wanted to stop and for everything to stop irritating me, but I don't even know...I guess all it needed was time.  Because now I am better and now I can share what was going on without offending people or as my husband put it, let you NOT see my craziness.  When I read my post to my husband he told me not to put all the craziness in, and then my mom told me that I could be stepping on some toes and offending people.  But then when I would try to rewrite the post, I really had a hard time getting anywhere with and expressing myself.  It's like, I couldn't write without yelling and being so angry.  I admit, I was angry.  And the sad thing is, is that I am not an angry person.  If I do get angry, I think of the other person or some other side to it and I let it go.  But this time I was like furious and seriously was like...REVENGE!  I know, I know....terrible.  But, it's gone.  Alright, so enough of this jibber jabber and let me explain the past couple of weeks :)

So after being drained and going through that terrible mess on Sunday (my last post) I left and was at my momma's for a total of two weeks...doing absolutely nothing.  The day that I was laying on the couch and couldn't hold the tears back anymore is when I decided to start this blog.  I grew depressed.  I couldn't do anything.  Nothing. And things that use to be pleasurable, were not pleasurable anymore.  All I could do was lay down and stare...and as I stared I counted, webs from all the spiders, catching things and eating their insides.... I know that part was terrible, me quoting a song and all, especially a band from High School, but seriously?....I still think it's hilarious.  I couldn't help but add that line.  My mom, when she read it she said that she didn't like the part where I told everyone about the "cobwebs" on her ceilings. Haha, so I had to explain :)  So I started out sleeping in my bedroom with four pillows under my knees and then in the end found that an additional pillow on the end and one under my tailbone and knees was the most comfortable.  The first week or so I was also stuffed with pillows on both sides of me, slightly tucked under me so that I could roll nowhere.  Then I had around three or four behind me so I was practically on a soft bed of pillows.  I would be there until my mom woke me up and either I would stay there for the day or she'd help me into the family room just right outside my room.  After a couple of days the weather really grew nice and I was able to go outside and get all set up in the sun.  Once again, the fresh air was seriously my cure.  It felt so amazing. To try to make the days pass, I would play games on my phone but after a while my arms would fall asleep from being up in the air, because being flat on your back kinda makes it hard to do ANYTHING.  I had not one desire to read for some reason.  I have no idea why because I really love to read and learn. And on my mission I dreamt of days where I could just lay all day long and read a book.  But I had no desire.  When on the computer I had to have it propped up by my pelvic bones and also find a way for it to not get hot and over heat.  Even then to see the screen, my head had to be totally kinked which after so long made my neck hurt and in turn give me a headache. So really, I did just stare off and listen to those around me, sometimes engage in the conversation, although after so long you run out of things to talk about.  I'd sit and wait for the kids to get back from school so that they could entertain me. It was also hard because I am very much a person who if I don't get up and get "ready" for the day ie: make-up and do my hair, I don't really feel "well." I feel like a blob, an ugly one. But I was unable to get ready, no make up or hair done and no shower. I tried to do make-up laying down, but it was too hard and really in the end, it was pointless. And I'd save bathing for a day when I saved up for it.  Like I really stayed down and didn't move all day.  And plus, it hurt.  So I had to gain up motivation to even do so. I felt so ugly and lazy. Because I didn't feel like doing one thing, I just laid there, making each day even worse and seriously some days, nine months of carrying this baby seemed like eternity. But mainly it was just so hard because it was not ME.  I wanted to be up and active, playing with the kids and animals.  I wanted to be up making people laugh and rolling on the floor laughing.  But I couldn't.  I could do none of that.  I got tired of my mom being the one at my every call.  I felt terrible.  To see her lifting half my weight to get me in and out of bed... or to prepare and bring me food....or sit next to the tub and hold me up so that I could get clean, especially when I couldn't even shave my pits because of the restriction of my iv and so she did it....or to have to have her get out of bed at 3 in the morning to flush my iv.  I am independent and I like being that way.  The hardest lesson was learning to let people help.  I didn't want help...but I needed it.  The day I broke down and just sobbed, I realized that I needed to stop trying to do all of it all by myself.  To just vent and let it out.  To stop worrying about being a whiner or complainer, but to just vent and talk.  That day I actually went for help to my Father above. I never even thought about how my Savior was right there to help me and that he was just waiting for me to ask, waiting to provide me strength and comfort. I realized that Jesus Christ had felt all that I was feeling and  that I needed to stop trying to do it alone.  He was there and I prayed for His help and strength.  I am so grateful for the help that I had.  For a completely selfless, loving and compassionate mother who believes that her duty being my mom and caring for one of her children, never ceases.  For putting her desires and other such things, not just aside but completely out the door and buried in the garden. How greatly blessed I am.  Greatly, greatly blessed.

So the two weeks were terribly hard and I try to explain it over and over but it's no use.  I never feel understood lol.  It would've been different if I could've sat up in bed at least, but I had to be flat on my back with my feet raised to keep the fluid from filling me so fast.  Because the first time I was tapped, if you remember, I was already back in pain that night.  I HAD to stay down, flat.  I later found that sleeping on a small couch we had was more comfortable than my bed, which was seriously so super nice.  It was a small couch and so my head fit right where the one arm rest was and the pillows stayed propped up because of the other arm rest.  My legs were able to hang completely off the end of the couch.  Soon enough though my tailbone was hurting me so bad that I just couldn't find relief.  But we did make it.  By Wednesday we did my third tap.  The clinic said that three was the most they had ever tapped someone, but that there was always a possibility that I would need more.  They just kept telling me that we would wait until my "pee day."  The day when I would keep going to the bathroom and loosing large amounts of fluid. And this time they really strictly told me to stay down.  After a few more days of no pee day I then found that I of course was different.  One day I just kept going to the bathroom and ended up going 11 times in the day and started off the day with three times and large amounts.  I decided that this was my pee day and was very happy.  My family had had a fast the previous weekend for me and I know that that is exactly what helped.  It was only the day or two after that Sunday.  So after those couple of days the pain started to subside and then I started to notice different pain.  Still rather painful.  I found that this would go on for a while as my insides worked on getting back down to normal size and not being stretched and pushed by fluid.  It hurt for around another two weeks later.  I was finally able to return to work and again, work in a chair.  The first day back I felt good and really wanted to be up and on my feet.  But I definitely felt it the next day.  After being back to work for a week, I was feeling pretty good.  My ovaries were still giving me quite some grief, but other than that and being so sleepy I felt better.  It  has been really hard to transition from being down all day long to being up on my feet all day long.  I have been so super exhausted and tired, and it has been really hard.  Hard to keep up on the house, which keeping up is really not even close to an understatement, it's just completely untrue.  I wake up the last minute, go to work, and when I get home I have to fight to not go to sleep so that I can wait until Bailey gets home and then crash.

The last 4 weeks of everything had been very difficult and hard to see or understand that there would be an end result.  We finally went in for my 7 week ultrasound and we got to see the heart beat.  Oh my amazing.  How beautiful.  I just wanted to sit and watch it forever.  Finally, something that made everything else seem ok and worth it.  To be able to really see the reason I had gone through everything, was such a gift in and of itself.  What a breath of relief and joy.  I already couldn't wait for our next ultrasound.  We were told that at our 9 week one that our little cutie would look like a gummy bear.  At this time I could just see a little splotch with a blurry flash.  I couldn't wait to see a gummy bear!  :)  After two weeks of being back to work I called the clinic with a couple of questions.  I had been so anxious to get to the rec center here in Vernal.  It is so awesome and they have some awesome classes!  It was super awesome to step on the scale and see the 10 lbs of fluid gone, but I wanted to get up and be healthy.  I called our nurse practitioner and asked about exercising.  Once she looked at the ultrasound she bluntly said, "Ya no. I'm sorry, but still no."  I explained to here that there were water classes and it wouldn't be too strenuous.  She then explained to me that its not so much the activity and exertion it takes, as it is the moves. She told me that with my ovaries still being so large that any harsh or sudden movement could cause an ovary to tear or a blood vessel to tear meaning we'd have to completely remove the ovary.  After that I was most definitely ok with the fact that I still needed to take it easy. I had been feeling better and definitely had NOT been "taking it easy." I wanted no more hurt or surgery's or anything.  I just wanted to carry my baby and be healthy and happy.  So I still have my days. I feel good and will not pay attention to me being....human and that night and the next day I feel it.  Sometimes it will wake me up in the middle of the night like my poor ovary did tear, but I just carefully find the position that works and go from there.  It's still hard and a work in progress.  But you know what.  I have a baby.  I have a baby in my belly.  And I am so ready for my belly to start protruding to show it!  I really learned well how to live as a whale while being filled with fluid.  To roll to the side of the bed or such, I'd have to roll my legs over and bring up my body up all in one fluid motion, and not use my stomach muscles.  I got a hang of it.  It always brought a smile as I pictured myself rolling around. :)

Being home and back is good.  I can't wait until everything catches up to me and I hope for the next 7 months to be much easier.  I take each day at a time and be ever grateful to be at home for a little one despite everything that has and continues to take place. I love not having to measure my urine output all the time and I am loving drinking normal water. I love it, I love it, I love it. The simplicity of life is so wonderful. The irritaties I was talking about earlier have come and gone, and I am ok now.  I needed a week to cry and vent and cry some more.  After going through what I did, I had an extremely hard time, and I mean extremely, when I would hear such things from moms or pregnant women like "Oh, you just wait, it gets worse.  You think you're tired now..." or "Are you sure you want to do this?" Are you sure you're ready for this? I completely understand."  The thing is, is no one does understand all of it.  And it's hard.  I had/have no one to talk to about OHSS, and to hear someone tell me that they understand or that it only gets worse, only made me angry and so upset.  And how badly it hurt, SO BADLY, when I would hear "Are you sure you're ready for this" or other things like that, after I had been through all that I had and to see them with what I was fighting for.  I did not go through that for nothing.  You moms/pregos have babies.  You needed no loan for your pregnant one.  You had the comfort of your own bed.  And you mom's have the beautiful blessing of watching your child every day. After all of this, I would still do it again.  I mean, ask me three weeks ago and I wouldn't be able to answer.  How badly I wanted a baby of our own, but how terrible ohss was and to think of going through that each and every time was no happy though. But I would certainly take your hugeness, morning sickness, bed rest, fatigue, ALL of it just to have one of our own.  I am one who does not understand your woes.  And I am sorry that I don't.  And you are one who doesn't understand mine.  For the first time, I hurt so badly and grew so upset to hear things like this from women who could bear their own.  So if you are reading this, look at your child or your cute belly, think of how grateful you are to be fat NATURALLY or how you brought that child here with your husband and the Lord, and how many of us would give so much for that.  Before you complain about any of it to us who can't, think again.  You are so truly blessed and we envy you.  We truly would take it all from you to do it on our own.  I hope it does not come out harsh, but that is something that has been so hard to deal with.  Our tireds are different, as are our pains and sicknesses.  Each time you get those uncomfortable pains from that little one inside, I promise it's better than being poked inside in your uterus or being pushed with fluid from inside, all happening within a couple of days rather than nine months. It's all better than OHSS. I love you and I am so grateful for the beauty of you and your beautiful baby fatness or the blessing of watching your little one run around.  And oh how grateful I am when I get to hold your little one in my arms.  Thank you.  I love you so much and again, am so grateful for all of your support and love.  Until next time :)

No Title Does Justice

The days seemed so long when I was unable to sleep, and it never seemed like I could sleep long enough.  I wished I could just sleep all day long.  I was already so tired of being so helpless.  After a long and much needed nap, I woke up feeling rather rushed to get to the bathroom.  As I tried to sit up pain stabbed all around my stomach to my back.  I tried to hold it in but using any of those muscles hurt even more.  I wasn't going to make it.  As I sat and tried to get the urge to go away I realized that nope, this was not going to work and wanted to get off the couch (since you know, that is where I was sleeping.)  I stood up, which caused more pain and which helped the flow of everything else.  I had never tried to hold it in as hard as I was then. But nothing was working.  I untwisted my legs to walk back to the bathroom and that was that.  I waddled, ashamed, as fast as I could to the bathroom, with a nice trail behind me.  I was so embarrassed.  My husband came in to help me and I was so ashamed.  He should not be cleaning up "that" after me...his wife. He went in and scrubbed the couch, assisted me back, set me up and then I had to sit and watch him clean up the floor. This was awful. If I had known that Sunday was only going to be worse than Saturday I don't think I would have even showed to the appointment to be drained.

So Sunday came and we got on the road.  Bailey stopped at a gas station and I couldn't think of anything that sounded good. Friday and Saturday I had been downing Walmart Orange Juice that had tasted amazing so I thought I could prob down some more.  Unfortunately the kind at the gas station was not hitting the spot like Walmart's had. We drove straight there and I only got about three little drinks of the OJ down.  Once there they took me straight to the procedure room where I did the usual.  Because the IV from Thursday didn't work we had to poke again.  This time the pain and pressure in my abdomen was much worse, so I knew that there was much more fluid in there.  I came to find out that this means no veins.  I don't even remember where they started but they dug for a vein FOR-EV-ER.  Once they figured out that that wouldn't work they came to the inside of my elbow.  There they continued to dig and move inside of my skin, almost as if it were a game, or maybe that they were trying to lure my veins out of hiding. The needle felt ginormous.  She pulled the needle out after forever (again) and very quickly I wasn't feeling well.  I expressed this and somehow they knew what was coming next.  Everyone shuffled all at once.  I sat up, the assistant grabbed the garbage, and the phlebotomist backed off as I started to hurl water and any OJ I had in my belly.  A stomach that is contracting and expelling anything that is in it, ON TOP of an abdomen filled with fluid, was NOT pleasant. It hurt :( Now sweating and spitting (OJ is terrible the second time) I was so done with this.  They got me a cold wet washcloth and Bailey wiped me down, legs, neck, arms, everywhere.  It felt amazing.  Thank goodness I was the only one there.  They were able to open the  door and cool the sauna of a room off and I was so hot that I had no shame.  I was getting anything that was covering my body, off!  But they weren't done with me yet.  I got a shot in my bum cheek that they said would help with nausea and also relax me.  It seemed like forever until it kicked in.  I felt more relaxed and once they realized that, they decided to try again.  In the end I was poked 7....seven....times.  Seven times they went fishing in my skin with a big 'ol needle, but my veins were not coming out for the bait.  Any fluid that my body would have was not to be found in my veins.  The Dr showed up and discussed with us that perhaps they would give all of the medications I needed through shots in my bum and after draining all the fluid, I would be sent to the hospital where I would be for a couple of hours with an IV getting fluid to make up for what was taken.  After a while of them discussing, they attempted a poke one last time (making it the seventh).  By this time I looked at the nurse and practically begged her to let me do it the next day. She sadly told me no, that we had to get it done asap. They told us that they were sending us to the hospital just down the road.  There they had professional IV pokers. You know, the ones that do hundreds of IV's everyday.  By now you can only imagine how livid my poor husband was.  He had sat there in the room for more than an hour watching me be poked over and over again, and puking my guts out, when this was a possibility all along? He was not liking any of this either and not so pleasantly expressed that in the car on our way to the hospital. Lets just say that this marked the first time I had heard him say some choice words.

When we got to the hospital which really was just a block away, Bailey helped me inside and we had to sit at the front desk to register. Seriously? I am dying of pain here and you Ms. Smiley, want me to tell you when my birthday is? I was NOT wanting to answer questions.  But we sat for about ten minutes so they could register us or whatever and slap a cute bracelet around my wrist.  They wheeled me back, laid me on a bed in the ER and I had a nurse on each side of me.  I hate that plastic stuff that they wrap around your arm before the stick.  They wrapped that stuff so tight that it hurt more than the poke itself.  The hospitals needles were much smaller than the clinics, so that was nice.  And they also had those cute blue barf bags which was nice so I could take some with me and not worry so much about locating a garbage can..or even wonder what is in there as I'm throwing up in it.  The nurse on my right poked me and was unable to locate a vein.  She poked again in another spot and asked for a tube.  I excitedly asked if she got it and she replied, "I don't know yet."  By the time she pulled the needle out they had retrieved three tubes of blood and an IV was placed.  I wanted to hug her I was so happy. Total time at the hospital was about 15 minutes.  They wheeled me out to our car and I was yet again on my way to the clinic.

Once at the clinic I was right back to my room and a few of them gawked and wanted to see where they were able to place the IV, like it was a magic trick.  Let me just add, that they at the clinic really didn't even take a look at my right arm because the veins were supposedly worse on that side.  Anyways.  I stripped down, laid on the bed and the game began.  Once down I of course asked for my oh so favorite oxygen only to find out that they were out that day.  Man, it was most certainly NOT my day.  Well by the time they pushed the drugs through my sacred IV I was out.  I think with all the drugs before, the drugs now plus my exhaustion I really just passed right out.  I really don't remember any more of the appointment.  I was sad to wake up because sleeping felt so good, but Bailey was rushing me out because my mom and sister were waiting for us.  My mom would be taking care of me for the next however long.  That day they told me that they had drained two and a half... yup, 2 1/2 Liters from me.  Which was about twice as before.  Holy moly, that fit in me? Thank heavens I could keep my IV for next time, the only "pain" about it was having to flush it every eight hours.  But I would SO rather do that then everything else ALL over again. Finally after a four and a half hour visit at the clinic we were able to leave. So we met my momma and sissy at Taco Bell (I was hungry) and not long after being in there I just went right back outside to sit on the curb and breathe all the fresh air I could.  It was such a nice day and I felt like that was my little tender mercy.  Not long after being there they were finished eating and Bailey tucked me into my mom's car and kissed me goodbye.  I did not want to say goodbye at all.  It felt terrible.  After how well he just took care of me and everything he had just done and I hardly got to thank him or show him my gratitude for it.  I really just wanted to go home to where he could cuddle me to sleep.  My heart broke to see him drive away.  I missed him already.  How grateful I truly am for such a wonderful husband who truly shows me how much I mean to him.

So we were on the road to Idaho where I would be until I got better.  And that was the scary thought. UNTIL I got better. I couldn't tell work when I would be back and I wasn't going to be able to teach my little primary kids until who knows when....  Who knew how long that would be, no one did.  Only time could tell and all I could do was lay flat on my back with my feet raised and wait.

P.S. I'm pretty sure that I forgot to include something very important in the last post.  Something that you all have been squirming to know.  On the previous Thursday when I had my first draining done I had my blood drawn and they told us that they would go ahead and test for pregnancy then.  This was awesome because Monday already seemed like years away.  I wanted to know now!  And Bailey was not going to allow any excitement enter until he knew for sure.  So on our way home after I had been drained and filled with meds, I am sleeping away when all of a sudden I am awoken by an anxious husband telling me to call the clinic.  I replied somewhat annoyingly (I needed my beauty rest more than ever right now), "They said they'd call us." Barely finishing my sentence he anxiously says, "Well they've had plenty of time and should know by now. Call them."  The cuteness of it all got the best of me and so I called.  They told us that they like to see the pregnancy number above 75 and we were at 118.  We were definitely pregnant. :) And that it was got me through Sunday.

Is it swearing if I say "Let the Hell Begin" ?

The next couple days went really well thanks to a great mom who took such wonderful care of me.  I really did stay put for two and a half days and my mom fed me amazing food.  Sunday came and I was up and walking.  Bailey came to get me and we were later on our way back home to Vernal.  I was to be back to work the next day.  The ride went well and we made it home from the 5 hour drive safely.  I was excited to get back to life.  I had been away from work for two weeks now and really looked forward to getting back to the girls there and to be active.

The next morning it was a little rough getting ready.  It seemed to take quite a bit of extra effort, but once I stepped out the door the cool breeze felt amazing.  Everything was hard though and it was going to be quite an adjustment.  My belly was tight and tender so anything from straightening my hair to getting in and out of my car was quite the chore.  I felt like such a whale.  I got to work and the girls were absolutely amazing.  I am so grateful for how well they took care of me, which in the end, they took care of me so much better than I was taking care of myself.  They had me back in the drive-up part of the bank where I was out of the busy part and up in a chair so that I wouldn't have to go back and forth and be active.  The first day was rather overwhelming and I was not expecting that at all.  It was a Monday, which is busy at any bank, and I hadn't been for two weeks.  It's amazing how much the brain can "forget" or just how rusty in can get in such little time.  I was going crazy trying to work fast and keep up with all the cars and with each thing I did there was always that voice in my head saying, "Oh! Be careful!  Oh wait don't lift that! Oh!  Don't do that!  That hurts!  Take it slow!"  Ugh, I had such a hard time focusing and it was so hard to do the stuff I needed to do in a chair WITHOUT using my abdominal muscles.  So by the end of the day I was completely exhausted and wore out, and ready for some much needed sleep.  The next day was much better and it really felt so good to be back and feel useful.  The girls were always right there by my side to help me and telling me to get back in the chair.  Seriously...I was surrounded with 5 extra moms.  I wanted to be helpful!  But each time I tried I would get the pointing of the finger and felt like I was a puppy. I learned how to stop being so prideful and independent and LET people help me.  By the end of Tuesday I was really starting to get sore and didn't have much for an appetite.  Because of what had happened previously (and I knew my body was still working on riding itself of all the fluid), I was still drinking fluids with electrolytes only.   Wednesday I got out of bed and was definitely hurting.  I again couldn't stand up straight without having pain and I was walking slow, making each step as soft as I possibly could. Bailey leaves for work each day at 4 a.m so I sent him a text letting him know that today was going to be a hard day. It was then that I noticed I had left my full bottle of extra strength Tylenol at my parents. Great.  I of course was not feeling like getting ready so I threw my hair up and put some make up on and was out.  Throughout the day (which was a busy one) I had one or two short attacks of very sharp intense pains up the side of my abdomen and around my diaghram and uterus.  It's as if you were to draw a large square on my abdomen starting at my ribs and ending at my uterus. To me this was good news.  I was having OHSS symptoms again, which Doc told us would happen if we were to get pregnant.  But the pain became unbearable.  I didn't have an appetite at all and nothing sounded good.  I was to be done with work at 530 but it was slightly busy and leaving only two girls there didn't really feel right.  So I stayed.  I tried eating a banana but that wasn't working at all, but i was able to eat a few saltines at least.  By 540 I was hunched on the floor with pain.  I called Bailey and he said that he would be able to pick me up, he was just getting done with work. I planned that he could drive and we could get some fast food and then get some more meds. By 6 the pain had subsided and I was able to drive home.  At this time I was starving.  I seriously was hit with intense hunger, like I felt like an animal!  I waited in my car for Bai to get home and he of course wanted to shower.  The pain makes it so that I really don't want to move, so I sat and waited, and of course nothing at home sounded good. Once out the door I told him that I wanted a big juicy burger and I needed it fast.  We stopped at Wendy's and I ordered what looked good and let me tell you, I didn't think I had ever tasted a burger so yummy as that one.  And I couldn't refrain from expressing that after and during each bite.  My poor husband thinks I am such a hot mess.  More like a beast.  But seriously, it tasted SO DARN GOOD! So, while eating and practically foaming at the mouth, he went to Walmart to grab some things including some meds.  Earlier I had called the fertility center and made sure it was OK to take the Tylenol.  Usually it is very difficult to get a hold of my nurse so I just leave a message.  When Tonia our nurse called back she was concerned about the pains I was having.  So to be sure all was OK I called the after hours fertility number and the lady told me to go ahead and take some medicine and...that is all I can remember.  While waiting for Bailey to get back in the car I was overcome by the worst stabbing pains I had ever felt. They were terrible. I squirmed in my car seat trying not to cry and trying to find any possible relief.  Shaking and sweating, full of nausea and scared of what the heck is happening to me, I manage to text Bailey to hurry.  He gets back and I tell him to call the nurse back.  I couldn't handle this any longer.  It was completely unbearable. While he is calling, I was hunched over the dashboard, covering it with tears, trying to breath and overcome this horrible pain. I told him to tell her either I needed to go to the hospital or something had to be done.  She called in some stronger medicine and said that I needed to come in first thing in the morning.  Bailey brought me home and I was able to get in bed and apply the heating pad.  I of course took the Tylenol once Bai had gotten back in the car.  If it weren't for a cute little baby growing inside me I may have taken the whole dang bottle.  Ha, jk...kinda. This lasted about five minutes.  I didn't think it was gonna end. After a little bit I was yet again conqueror and was able to relax.  Bailey left to get the medicine that was called in and I just laid in bed, wondering what the heck was going to happen.  I was so tired that Bai just let me sleep in and we left at around 830.  I called the fertility center and they told me to get there asap.  We stopped at my work to let them know that I wasn't going to be in that day.  I SO hated doing that to them. Bailey was great about making me comfortable.  He packed some pillows and stuffed the body pillow between me and the door and then another pillow underneath me and between me and the middle console.  I practically couldn't move which was the plan.  Each bump hurt like...well it hurt.  We had a long drive and I relaxed and we talked.  Some roads really sucked with insane bumps and I really wanted to kill people, but we made it through :)  We had about a half hour to go and decided to stop for food before we got there.  We got taco bell and once again, I swore it had never tasted so good.  By now my husband was wondering what kind of a beast I was going to be if I were to get pregnant or what kind of beast I was growing.  But I couldn't stop telling him how good it was.

So we made it to the center and as soon as I stepped in the door they opened the door to the rooms and took me back.  I did the usual of undressing from waist down and waited.  The nurse practioner came in, she was the sweetest thing in the world, and had me lay back to have a look at things.  I was so use to vaginal ultrasounds that they were nothing to me by now.  She showed us on the screen some black space covering my insides, that was all fluid.  My OHSS was getting worse, which of course was bitter-sweet.  OHSS=pregnant. And I had three people at the clinic tell me that at least this was a good sign :) But we were still to wait till Monday for a more accurate reading of a pregnancy test.  For a quick reminder of what OHSS is: When the body realizes that something is growing on the uterus and detects that it is a baby, a hormone called hCG is produced.  HCG tells the ovaries to not shed this lining but to start producing hormones such as progestrone and estrogen to take care of it.  In turn because the ovaries are using so much fluid, the body starts pulling fluid from the blood vessels to replace what is being lost.  So my belly begins to fill with lots of fluid all around my intestines. She told us that I would need to be "tapped" today, meaning drained.  We had many questions and were able to talk to her and have them all answered.  She told us everything and it felt so much better to know what was going on. She said that this would not harm the baby in anyway.   She said that it sounded worse than it really was, but that they would go in vaginally with the probe and on the end would be a needle.  They would pierce the uterine wall and from there suck the fluid out.  I would get an iv and have some local anesthesia and pain meds as well as nausea meds, all enough to make me not out of it but pretty much forget everything.  We got to also see my ovaries, which usually are the size of almonds but now the growing peaches.  Everything was just trying to fit in my body.  The MA came in to get my vital signs.  Normally I have a blood pressure of 110/72 or less and a heart rate in the mid 60-70's.  With everything going on in my body my blood pressure was 125/72 (I've never seen it that high) and a heart rate at 118.  Normal heart rate is 60-90.  So my body was taking the toll. So until the procedure room was open we were going to get my iv and fluids started.  I've really done well with blood draws and iv's since all the shots I had to give myself the month before the egg retrieval, but this was different.  My body was retaining water, my belly always felt full, I always felt thirsty and could never feel satisfied, but even still I was too full to fit anything else in there.  So of course that brings small veins.  The draining would give relief for about a day before it would swell up and need to be done again.  So the plan was to leave an iv in so we wouldn't have to attempt doing another one.  So instead of one on the inside of my elbow, the best vein she could find was on the outside of my wrist.  She warned me that this would be a bad painful stick but its the best one I had.  Yes, it was painful.  And once in there, she needed to fish around for the vein.  I'm trying to breath deep and slow, but breathing deep hurts and already I was so so hot (for a person who is always cold, I had been uncomfortably hot since the egg retrieval.) She finally pulled out, I'm thinking we got it, but nope, we didn't.  We'd have to stick again, and this time just on the inside of my elbow.  Mainly because this is where my best veins are and so we hoped we'd find one there. So with this stick she still was in their for a good minute or two and by then by body had had enough.  I got super clammy and nauseated, feeling totally....icky and terrible.  Bailey, all the while, trying to distract me, until he got sick too.  What a dramatic mess lol.  So it was finally in, and it hurt. I didn't think that I could handle this for the whole weekend. It hurt until I woke up after the draining, to the point where I said, just remove it.  My doc that would be doing the draining came in and with her reaction said "What a pale green face."  I was def not ready to get up yet.  After a few moments I shakily sat up and walked slowly with lots of help to the procedure room.  I laid back and the nurse gave me the anesthesia and oxygen.  I have come to love love love oxygen.  With OHSS one symptom is being short of breath and it is painful to get a deep breath, so often I just feel out of breath.  The oxygen feels so nice, like I can breath and get sufficient air supply.  Ah, what a fresh breath of air :) In came the Dr and they got right to it.  I don't remember much, but  I do remember that the poking of the uterine wall was rather painful.  I couldn't help but push on the outside of my uterus to try to relieve the pain, but that was all.  I remember coming to for a minute and everyone just sitting around in the dark talking while the fluid drained.  I don't recall how much they got, but they got most of it and it was a lot.  I was so sleepy that I slept for what felt forever, about 20-30 min.  This procedure did take a long time.  We were in the office total for about 3 hours.  I got up and did feel better.  Of course there was still great pressure from my peachy ovaries, but I could walk up straight and breathe.  They gave me a paper to record all of my output (I got the cute little hat to put in the toilet) and input and also my weight.  And I was still on my diet, smart water and powerade/gatorade, anything with electrolytes.  The high sodium is hopefully to suck the fluid in the veins where it belongs and electrolytes to well keep me nourished obviously.  I can't get dehydrated.  But also I would drink and drink and still would feel so thirsty.  But yet I could not fit anything else in my stomach.  It was so hard because I'd be hungry and want to eat, but just a couple of bites and my stomach would hurt from all the pressure.

Well thank goodness Bailey had the next two days, Friday and Saturday, off and he would be able to help me.  Saturday they would be calling me to see how I was feeling and we'd go from there.  By Thursday night I was already hurting with pain, AGAIN. I laid on our living room couch all day long Friday.  I was finally able to take a nap once I could find a comfortable position.  Anytime I could find a position that didn't hurt too bad I was out, sleeping away, and that was the best.  I just laid around for the next two days.  Saturday morning I got up and had yet another episode.  I got super nauseated, wishing my body would just throw up already.  I crawled to the floor, dripping with sweat, and Bailey ran in.  I was grasping to the side of the tub, completely embarrassed  because I was in so much pain that no only could I pull my britches up but  I couldn't even reach behind me to clean myself up after going to the bathroom.  I asked Bailey to get a ponytail so that I could get my sick matted hair off my body.  The sweetheart he is he put my hair up in a ponytail.  I was hunched over and he grabbed my tangled hair (I was trying not to whine from the pulling) and he totally gave me a hot pony on the top of my head.  I was very impressed.  But of course when I checked me out in the mirror I don't think that hairdo helped the messy part I already looked. Oh I was scary. After it passed Bailey even asked if he could help clean me up.  My heart just melted yet ached at the same time.  I am so blessed with such a wonderful husband, yet I hate that I have to be such a burden and worry to him.  I wanted to take care of myself.

Bailey assisted me back to the couch and I tried to lift my legs up but was so weak and shot with abdominal pain that I couldn't.  Bailey grabbed my legs and put them up on the pillows.  I tried hard but couldn't hold it back, I just  started to sob.  I felt so hopeless.  I mean, I was so grateful, but I felt so worthless.  This was terrible.  Not only did he ask if he could help clean me up, but he also had to help me walk, get in bed and get me food.  Saturday was a very hard day for me and I really was growing so negative.  I had been on bed-rest for almost 3 weeks now and I was not able to take care of myself.  When was I ever going to get better?  I saw no light at the end of the tunnel.  I was unable to work, leaving them completely shorthanded and I felt absolutely terrible.  And here I am being a complete burden on my husband.  I hated this.  I was so done. When the clinic called I was so frustrated. I felt like my case was not bad enough or that it was dangerous to do it again, because for some reason she came off "do you really feel like you have to do it?"  After the call I was absolutely livid.  I was hurting so bad, my stomach could NOT get any tighter.  It was an absolute pain to eat or drink, which I craved, but yet it was just better to not do either.  Are you kidding me lady!? Later I found out that there is always a worry about infection with the draining procedure.  Of course there is, with anything there is that small percent of getting infection.  Well here I was, the 1-2% of transfers who got OHSS.  And it doesn't hurt the baby at all.  That was it.  Bailey looked me in the face, while I'm unable to breath and sobbing, and said, "You are the one who knows if we need to go in.  Do not wait until the last minute." So I called and made the appt. We were going in Sunday to be yet again drained.  Oh how ready I was.  I prayed that this time the relief of it would last longer.

*Miracles*

So the next week was daily morning ultrasounds to see how the eggs were doing.  Before retrieval the Doctor likes to see at least one egg at 18 mm.  I was starting to feel so super full that week.  I seriously felt like I was walking around with a huge vine of grapes hanging on each of my hips and at any moment they were going to start popping outta my skin.  It was tender and had a lot of pressure.  I had got to the point where we had one that was at 17 mm and there was 12 eggs on one side and 10-11 on the other.  See, most women make one egg a month and here I was carrying around about two years worth!  So finally we got to where we needed to be and the egg retrieval was going to be that Saturday.  Thursday night I was to take an hCG shot at exactly 11 p.m and the next morning was an hCG pregnancy test.  The timing of the shot is crucial.  HCG is a hormone that does a couple of things.  For this instance, the hormone would be telling my ovaries to release the eggs.  So Saturday morning when I went in, they would be at the right spot to be able to retrieve.  We cannot retrieve eggs that are not mature enough nor can we retrieve old eggs.  So this is why the timing of the shot is critical. So I did the shot and the next morning the test showed positive meaning that it had done what it was supposed to and my balloons had been released :)



I found a couple of things super interesting.  I was to fast 12 hours before and go to the appt with no make-up or contacts.  The night before the anesthesiologist called me to let me know of everything that would be going on and did give me the OK to brush my teeth, as long as I promised not to swallow. LOL. He said that some people get desperate.  I guess that makeup can cause certain reactions to medications, but most importantly it was so that they could monitor my color and such while I was put out.  Once we got there I kissed and said goodbye to my husband and went back to the room.  The anesthesiologist did wonderful and not long after receiving the medications I was out.  I was actually, surprisingly super comfortable.  The thingy's they had for me to rest my legs on were all wool covered and made it easy for me to relax.  The procedure in short is quite simple.  A needle is placed on the tip of the ultrasound probe and inserted vaginally.  The Dr then through ultrasound locates the ovaries to find the follicles.  Each follicle is punctured and the fluid is gently sucked out.  The fluid is then taken by an embryologist who evaluates the fluid and locates the egg.  The egg is taken from the fluid and placed in a dish where later they will do the ICSI (insert the sperm).

I remember waking up at the end of the procedure and hearing the MA ask if she was good to go for the day. When the nurse told her yes I asked her if she would bring back some Taco Bell lol. After a minute I thought, "Did I really just ask that? You stupid..." I was then stood up, covered, and like a puppet, walked through a door to a recovery room. There I slept the anesthesia off and my husband came in to wait with me. The Dr came in and told us that everything went great. They were able to retrieve... 24 eggs! Twenty Four! Whoa! I was carrying 2 years worth of eggs around, you know, no big deal! This was a great number. So he said that once I was ready we could leave and that on Monday we would receive a call letting us know how the eggs were doing. After the ICSI they would sit and harvest. When we did the transfer depended on a few things, such as how the eggs were doing. On Monday if the zygotes (what the fertilized eggs are called) are doing really well and are healthy and strong, then we will let them go another day or two. But if they aren't very strong then we will go ahead and transfer that day or the next because they are better off inside my warm cozy inn. So we would anxiously wait for Monday. After we left the clinic we went to Bailey's brothers house where I was able to sleep for a bit. Once awake I waddled to the bathroom where I got super sick, lightheaded and dizzy, to the point where I just melted to the ground hoping that the cool tile would cool me down and make this go away. I was somewhat prepared for this, as I have learned that I never do well when the anesthesia wears off. This lasted about five minutes and by then I was starving. I had not eaten yet. I needed something light so Bai went and got me an Olive Garden salad which tasted absolutely amazing. We had planned a dinner with my aunt and her family and so we headed over to her house. While there my belly started to really hurt and I was unable to walk standing straight up. I just walked around hunched over, trying not to stretch any muscles making them pull on any of my organs. After dinner we made the ride home which was 3 1/2 hours.... and it was absolutely terrible. Each bump or turn or anything that moved me hurt like the dickens. I couldn't sleep because of the pain and could not find one position that brought comfort. We finally made it home and I was able to sleep. The next day I was feeling pretty good (but also looking about 3 months pregnant) and was able to get some things done around the house and run some errands. The next day I was right back to the killer pain. I woke up in tears because I was unable to move without intense shocks sent all up and down the sides of my abdomen and I was also unable to take a deep breath without having any pain. I called the clinic and my IVF Coordinator told me to stay down, rest and drink lots and lots of Gatorade. I was also told that I could take extra strength Tylenol to help with the pain, and that all of this was normal. It certainly didn't feel normal. Especially when the anesthesiologist told me that I would be right back up and back to normal the next day. So here I am, unable to move or walk, husband is at work, and it's a Sunday. Thank goodness for such wonderful and great ward members! My mom was able to make the 5 hour drive (bless her dear sweet heart) and come take care of me. I was so grateful for her help. I was able to stay in bed as she brought me food and anything else I needed. The next morning I woke up feeling better, but still looking huge. We received our Monday call and were told that ALL 24 eggs had indeed fertilized! Ah haha! So so awesome right! The embryologist said it was looking fantastic and that we were dealing with some big numbers here. They would continue to watch them and let us know on Wednesday what they were looking like. We received the call and were told that they were all still harvesting. There were 19 that were still healthy and strong and multiplying wonderfully, doing just what they are supposed to. There were 4 that were doing well but were a little slower than the 19. She told us that our numbers were amazing and unusual. So they would continue to watch them and we would do the transfer on Friday. Friday they would show us how many would be strong enough to freeze. This process is called cryopreservation. The zygotes will have to reach the blastocyst stage to be able to be frozen and we will then be able to use them another time. So I spent the next couple days pretty much sleeping and staying down as I was so exhuasted and tired. During this time I had done some googling, researching for anything that might be causing this craziness. I looked up "pain after egg retrieval and found what is called Ovarian Hyperstimulating Syndrome or OHSS. When the ovaries are stimulated to produce A LOT they tend to continue to hyperstimulate. Also, after an egg retrieval, the empty follicle is left behind and can fill back up with fluid, also causing the ovaries to continue to hyperstimulate. So in my case I was left with 24 empty follicles. The OHSS cases are generally mild and last about a week. The hCG, which causes hyperstimuation of the ovaries is what causes the OHSS, so I just needed to wait for it to clear my system. Friday finally came and I was very concerned about what was going on with my body and the transfer. I had read a ladies blog who had a severe case of OHSS and said that she regretted not waiting to do the transfer at a later time. I really wanted to get pregnant NOW. The Dr came in and had a look and said I definitely was looking 15 weeks pregnant. He told us that it was our decision if we wanted to go ahead with the transfer. He said that this was the worst of it and it would be dying down. But IF I was to get pregnant, then my body will produce it's own hCG hormone. This is what tells the ovaries to NOT shed the lining, but instead to produce hormones to thicken the lining to house whatever it was (a baby) that was growing in there. The Dr felt like I was experiencing a moderate case of OHSS and that I was getting through the worst of it. So we went ahead with the transfer. We then learned that I think 4 or 5 of the zygotes were already to the blastocyst stage and so we had those for sure. They would wait just a little longer to see if any others would reach that stage. We then discussed if we felt like one or two should be transferred. We decided on one as two could cause complications not only to me but also the babies. I was told that I had too small of a frame to attempt having twins. Let me tell you, at this time I was feeling very opposite of "small framed." But the Dr really felt like one was the best and wisest option. I was then laid back (I had previously been given some Valium to cover any pain) and the procedure was started. Bailey was able to be in the room with me at this time. We were able to experience the beautiful process together. A lady came in with a tiny tube and said to Doc "one baby Pulsipher" and we then watched the tube go in and fluid released. Because the blastocyst is naked to the eye, there was an air bubble at the top and one at the bottom, so that we knew our lil baby was somewhere in there. We were then given a picture of that ultrasound. 

 This was a very sacred experience. It was quiet and we were able to watch one of the most amazing Godly powers take place. We watched this tiny little miracle that we couldn't even see, that had been made from both Bailey and I in a LAB, be inserted into my body, where we hoped it would live and grow for the next 9 months. I was now carrying a little baby, made from both of us! We were given a picture of all of our other zygotes and in the end were able to have 6 frozen. What a beautiful blessing. We were told that most people have half of what we had and in the end they sometimes don't have any that are strong enough to freeze. My heart has been so very humbled and overflowing. We have six other little blastocysts that we can use later on. This created so many feelings within me. I felt that it was as if Bailey and I were truly meant to be and I knew that the feelings I had had all along, about everything working out, were from above. Both Bailey and I were blessed with more than enough to make things work, so that we could hopefully have one of our very own children. Words will never express this incredible experience, but oh how grateful I am to have witnessed it.


So now it was time for what they called "Princess Days." I was to go home and was pretty much bed rest for the next two days. There my Momma picked me up and I kissed and hugged the best man in the world and said goodbye. My mom would be taking care of me as I housed and took great care of this little baby for the next couple of days.

Popping a Balloon with a Spoon

I am trying to post often so that I can catch up to where I am currently.  I feel that now more than ever I need the support.  So if you get sick of me posting so often that is why.  I am anxious to get this caught up to life NOW.

So really the next two weeks of shots went well.  It was super easy and I didn't bruise.  My belly just had several lil red dots all over, which I am sure is nothing after what having a baby does to your belly ;)  Soon enough things started to settle down, I was starting to get a hang of it all.  And crazy enough the date for the procedure was really creeping up fast, so fast that I was calling my auntie just a week before making sure I could stay with her for two weeks.  As far as calendar stuff goes I was to stop exercising and had two new shots to start.  I planned an extra 20 minutes for myself to do the shots before work for the first day.  I was feeling quite confident with them because the one before hadn't hurt one bit.  So I get them ready and watch the how-to videos to be sure I do everything correctly.  There turned out to be a few extra steps to these ones than the previous.  Such as pre-mixing and different dosing.  So after the how to video I again, gave myself a good pep talk and once again "stabbed with confidence."  Oh Jimmy....that needle bounced right off my belly!  I disgustingly looked at that needle thinking, "What in the!?  You're telling me I have to stab harder!?"  I tried a couple more times and finally thought, "Alright...I gotta get to work....15 minutes ago, I'm just gonna have to do this.  It'll be done fast."  So I put the needle to my skin and pushed....and pushed some more....and then a lil harder (by now this is looking like I was trying to pop a balloon with a spoon.) I can't see the needle, just a bunch of skin being folded in around the needle and finally POP!  It went in!  I pushed the solution and wiggled that evil needle out of my belly.  It's like it was holding on inside, not wanting to come out.  By now I am in a cold sweat and really not wanting to do yet ANOTHER one. But with the pressure of time and some more pep talking I worked up the courage and went in. This time the needle went in much easier, painful, but easier. But as I started to push the solution in, there was an insane, intense, terrible, horrific....you get the idea....burning!  And it was resisting, I was shaking trying to push it in.  It didn't feel right!  I was crying, sweating more (I totally shouldn't have even got ready for work that day, any makeup I had on was now dripping off.) I sat there, wondering what I should do.  It really did not feel right, but I had to get to work.  So, despite the terrible resistance and burning, I inched a little bit in. After each little push I huffed inspiring words. I--(push)--CAN--(push)--DO--(push) THIS!  Once done I gave myself a glance of accomplishment in the mirror, applied some insane pressure and was waddling the door like a creepy hunchback.  Thank the heavens above I am blessed with a wonderful understanding boss.  The site of that shot hurt ALL. DAY. LONG.  Later that evening I called the clinic to be sure that this was normal, and although the resistance was normal, the bouncy dull needle was not.  But unfortunately that is how it was for the next two weeks.  I had a good lil blue and purple bruise from the painful shot, but other than that just lots of red specs.  I would say that by now I am a way good "shot" peptalker.  Like seriously, I think I could really help some people out ;)

With all these shots it was time for an appt to see if they were doing what they were supposed to.  One was to be making it so I produced a lot of eggs instead of just one and the other was pretty much the same thing. Simply I was just getting a lot of hormones.  So I went in for the appt to get an ultrasound that would show how my ovaries were doing and see how many eggs we had.  The ultrasound looked pretty cool.  If you were to cut a pomegranate in half that is what the picture looked like.  But black and white, not red and cream....ya.  So it was pretty cool, my ovaries were doing what the hormones were telling them too. I think each side had around 7 eggs :) So this was the weekend before all the big stuff.  I would be staying with my aunt due to daily ultrasounds the next week and the plan was the egg retrieval that weekend.