A Rainbow After Rain

Ok, I apologize that I have been away so long, with not one post, and left you hanging.  I have had a couple requests asking that I pull myself together and post :)  But let me explain first.  See, I have tried to post...and it is interesting that for reasons unknown my computer was not letting me post my entry.  I do, although, think that those reasons were for the better.  See, I have my days.  I have days where I have learned that I am an irritable pregnant woman.  And those days when that irritablness is high, I get so irritated at the fact that I am so irritable.  And I was going crazy.  I wanted to stop and for everything to stop irritating me, but I don't even know...I guess all it needed was time.  Because now I am better and now I can share what was going on without offending people or as my husband put it, let you NOT see my craziness.  When I read my post to my husband he told me not to put all the craziness in, and then my mom told me that I could be stepping on some toes and offending people.  But then when I would try to rewrite the post, I really had a hard time getting anywhere with and expressing myself.  It's like, I couldn't write without yelling and being so angry.  I admit, I was angry.  And the sad thing is, is that I am not an angry person.  If I do get angry, I think of the other person or some other side to it and I let it go.  But this time I was like furious and seriously was like...REVENGE!  I know, I know....terrible.  But, it's gone.  Alright, so enough of this jibber jabber and let me explain the past couple of weeks :)

So after being drained and going through that terrible mess on Sunday (my last post) I left and was at my momma's for a total of two weeks...doing absolutely nothing.  The day that I was laying on the couch and couldn't hold the tears back anymore is when I decided to start this blog.  I grew depressed.  I couldn't do anything.  Nothing. And things that use to be pleasurable, were not pleasurable anymore.  All I could do was lay down and stare...and as I stared I counted, webs from all the spiders, catching things and eating their insides.... I know that part was terrible, me quoting a song and all, especially a band from High School, but seriously?....I still think it's hilarious.  I couldn't help but add that line.  My mom, when she read it she said that she didn't like the part where I told everyone about the "cobwebs" on her ceilings. Haha, so I had to explain :)  So I started out sleeping in my bedroom with four pillows under my knees and then in the end found that an additional pillow on the end and one under my tailbone and knees was the most comfortable.  The first week or so I was also stuffed with pillows on both sides of me, slightly tucked under me so that I could roll nowhere.  Then I had around three or four behind me so I was practically on a soft bed of pillows.  I would be there until my mom woke me up and either I would stay there for the day or she'd help me into the family room just right outside my room.  After a couple of days the weather really grew nice and I was able to go outside and get all set up in the sun.  Once again, the fresh air was seriously my cure.  It felt so amazing. To try to make the days pass, I would play games on my phone but after a while my arms would fall asleep from being up in the air, because being flat on your back kinda makes it hard to do ANYTHING.  I had not one desire to read for some reason.  I have no idea why because I really love to read and learn. And on my mission I dreamt of days where I could just lay all day long and read a book.  But I had no desire.  When on the computer I had to have it propped up by my pelvic bones and also find a way for it to not get hot and over heat.  Even then to see the screen, my head had to be totally kinked which after so long made my neck hurt and in turn give me a headache. So really, I did just stare off and listen to those around me, sometimes engage in the conversation, although after so long you run out of things to talk about.  I'd sit and wait for the kids to get back from school so that they could entertain me. It was also hard because I am very much a person who if I don't get up and get "ready" for the day ie: make-up and do my hair, I don't really feel "well." I feel like a blob, an ugly one. But I was unable to get ready, no make up or hair done and no shower. I tried to do make-up laying down, but it was too hard and really in the end, it was pointless. And I'd save bathing for a day when I saved up for it.  Like I really stayed down and didn't move all day.  And plus, it hurt.  So I had to gain up motivation to even do so. I felt so ugly and lazy. Because I didn't feel like doing one thing, I just laid there, making each day even worse and seriously some days, nine months of carrying this baby seemed like eternity. But mainly it was just so hard because it was not ME.  I wanted to be up and active, playing with the kids and animals.  I wanted to be up making people laugh and rolling on the floor laughing.  But I couldn't.  I could do none of that.  I got tired of my mom being the one at my every call.  I felt terrible.  To see her lifting half my weight to get me in and out of bed... or to prepare and bring me food....or sit next to the tub and hold me up so that I could get clean, especially when I couldn't even shave my pits because of the restriction of my iv and so she did it....or to have to have her get out of bed at 3 in the morning to flush my iv.  I am independent and I like being that way.  The hardest lesson was learning to let people help.  I didn't want help...but I needed it.  The day I broke down and just sobbed, I realized that I needed to stop trying to do all of it all by myself.  To just vent and let it out.  To stop worrying about being a whiner or complainer, but to just vent and talk.  That day I actually went for help to my Father above. I never even thought about how my Savior was right there to help me and that he was just waiting for me to ask, waiting to provide me strength and comfort. I realized that Jesus Christ had felt all that I was feeling and  that I needed to stop trying to do it alone.  He was there and I prayed for His help and strength.  I am so grateful for the help that I had.  For a completely selfless, loving and compassionate mother who believes that her duty being my mom and caring for one of her children, never ceases.  For putting her desires and other such things, not just aside but completely out the door and buried in the garden. How greatly blessed I am.  Greatly, greatly blessed.

So the two weeks were terribly hard and I try to explain it over and over but it's no use.  I never feel understood lol.  It would've been different if I could've sat up in bed at least, but I had to be flat on my back with my feet raised to keep the fluid from filling me so fast.  Because the first time I was tapped, if you remember, I was already back in pain that night.  I HAD to stay down, flat.  I later found that sleeping on a small couch we had was more comfortable than my bed, which was seriously so super nice.  It was a small couch and so my head fit right where the one arm rest was and the pillows stayed propped up because of the other arm rest.  My legs were able to hang completely off the end of the couch.  Soon enough though my tailbone was hurting me so bad that I just couldn't find relief.  But we did make it.  By Wednesday we did my third tap.  The clinic said that three was the most they had ever tapped someone, but that there was always a possibility that I would need more.  They just kept telling me that we would wait until my "pee day."  The day when I would keep going to the bathroom and loosing large amounts of fluid. And this time they really strictly told me to stay down.  After a few more days of no pee day I then found that I of course was different.  One day I just kept going to the bathroom and ended up going 11 times in the day and started off the day with three times and large amounts.  I decided that this was my pee day and was very happy.  My family had had a fast the previous weekend for me and I know that that is exactly what helped.  It was only the day or two after that Sunday.  So after those couple of days the pain started to subside and then I started to notice different pain.  Still rather painful.  I found that this would go on for a while as my insides worked on getting back down to normal size and not being stretched and pushed by fluid.  It hurt for around another two weeks later.  I was finally able to return to work and again, work in a chair.  The first day back I felt good and really wanted to be up and on my feet.  But I definitely felt it the next day.  After being back to work for a week, I was feeling pretty good.  My ovaries were still giving me quite some grief, but other than that and being so sleepy I felt better.  It  has been really hard to transition from being down all day long to being up on my feet all day long.  I have been so super exhausted and tired, and it has been really hard.  Hard to keep up on the house, which keeping up is really not even close to an understatement, it's just completely untrue.  I wake up the last minute, go to work, and when I get home I have to fight to not go to sleep so that I can wait until Bailey gets home and then crash.

The last 4 weeks of everything had been very difficult and hard to see or understand that there would be an end result.  We finally went in for my 7 week ultrasound and we got to see the heart beat.  Oh my amazing.  How beautiful.  I just wanted to sit and watch it forever.  Finally, something that made everything else seem ok and worth it.  To be able to really see the reason I had gone through everything, was such a gift in and of itself.  What a breath of relief and joy.  I already couldn't wait for our next ultrasound.  We were told that at our 9 week one that our little cutie would look like a gummy bear.  At this time I could just see a little splotch with a blurry flash.  I couldn't wait to see a gummy bear!  :)  After two weeks of being back to work I called the clinic with a couple of questions.  I had been so anxious to get to the rec center here in Vernal.  It is so awesome and they have some awesome classes!  It was super awesome to step on the scale and see the 10 lbs of fluid gone, but I wanted to get up and be healthy.  I called our nurse practitioner and asked about exercising.  Once she looked at the ultrasound she bluntly said, "Ya no. I'm sorry, but still no."  I explained to here that there were water classes and it wouldn't be too strenuous.  She then explained to me that its not so much the activity and exertion it takes, as it is the moves. She told me that with my ovaries still being so large that any harsh or sudden movement could cause an ovary to tear or a blood vessel to tear meaning we'd have to completely remove the ovary.  After that I was most definitely ok with the fact that I still needed to take it easy. I had been feeling better and definitely had NOT been "taking it easy." I wanted no more hurt or surgery's or anything.  I just wanted to carry my baby and be healthy and happy.  So I still have my days. I feel good and will not pay attention to me being....human and that night and the next day I feel it.  Sometimes it will wake me up in the middle of the night like my poor ovary did tear, but I just carefully find the position that works and go from there.  It's still hard and a work in progress.  But you know what.  I have a baby.  I have a baby in my belly.  And I am so ready for my belly to start protruding to show it!  I really learned well how to live as a whale while being filled with fluid.  To roll to the side of the bed or such, I'd have to roll my legs over and bring up my body up all in one fluid motion, and not use my stomach muscles.  I got a hang of it.  It always brought a smile as I pictured myself rolling around. :)

Being home and back is good.  I can't wait until everything catches up to me and I hope for the next 7 months to be much easier.  I take each day at a time and be ever grateful to be at home for a little one despite everything that has and continues to take place. I love not having to measure my urine output all the time and I am loving drinking normal water. I love it, I love it, I love it. The simplicity of life is so wonderful. The irritaties I was talking about earlier have come and gone, and I am ok now.  I needed a week to cry and vent and cry some more.  After going through what I did, I had an extremely hard time, and I mean extremely, when I would hear such things from moms or pregnant women like "Oh, you just wait, it gets worse.  You think you're tired now..." or "Are you sure you want to do this?" Are you sure you're ready for this? I completely understand."  The thing is, is no one does understand all of it.  And it's hard.  I had/have no one to talk to about OHSS, and to hear someone tell me that they understand or that it only gets worse, only made me angry and so upset.  And how badly it hurt, SO BADLY, when I would hear "Are you sure you're ready for this" or other things like that, after I had been through all that I had and to see them with what I was fighting for.  I did not go through that for nothing.  You moms/pregos have babies.  You needed no loan for your pregnant one.  You had the comfort of your own bed.  And you mom's have the beautiful blessing of watching your child every day. After all of this, I would still do it again.  I mean, ask me three weeks ago and I wouldn't be able to answer.  How badly I wanted a baby of our own, but how terrible ohss was and to think of going through that each and every time was no happy though. But I would certainly take your hugeness, morning sickness, bed rest, fatigue, ALL of it just to have one of our own.  I am one who does not understand your woes.  And I am sorry that I don't.  And you are one who doesn't understand mine.  For the first time, I hurt so badly and grew so upset to hear things like this from women who could bear their own.  So if you are reading this, look at your child or your cute belly, think of how grateful you are to be fat NATURALLY or how you brought that child here with your husband and the Lord, and how many of us would give so much for that.  Before you complain about any of it to us who can't, think again.  You are so truly blessed and we envy you.  We truly would take it all from you to do it on our own.  I hope it does not come out harsh, but that is something that has been so hard to deal with.  Our tireds are different, as are our pains and sicknesses.  Each time you get those uncomfortable pains from that little one inside, I promise it's better than being poked inside in your uterus or being pushed with fluid from inside, all happening within a couple of days rather than nine months. It's all better than OHSS. I love you and I am so grateful for the beauty of you and your beautiful baby fatness or the blessing of watching your little one run around.  And oh how grateful I am when I get to hold your little one in my arms.  Thank you.  I love you so much and again, am so grateful for all of your support and love.  Until next time :)