The days seemed so long when I was unable to sleep, and it never seemed like I could sleep long enough. I wished I could just sleep all day long. I was already so tired of being so helpless. After a long and much needed nap, I woke up feeling rather rushed to get to the bathroom. As I tried to sit up pain stabbed all around my stomach to my back. I tried to hold it in but using any of those muscles hurt even more. I wasn't going to make it. As I sat and tried to get the urge to go away I realized that nope, this was not going to work and wanted to get off the couch (since you know, that is where I was sleeping.) I stood up, which caused more pain and which helped the flow of everything else. I had never tried to hold it in as hard as I was then. But nothing was working. I untwisted my legs to walk back to the bathroom and that was that. I waddled, ashamed, as fast as I could to the bathroom, with a nice trail behind me. I was so embarrassed. My husband came in to help me and I was so ashamed. He should not be cleaning up "that" after me...his wife. He went in and scrubbed the couch, assisted me back, set me up and then I had to sit and watch him clean up the floor. This was awful. If I had known that Sunday was only going to be worse than Saturday I don't think I would have even showed to the appointment to be drained.
So Sunday came and we got on the road. Bailey stopped at a gas station and I couldn't think of anything that sounded good. Friday and Saturday I had been downing Walmart Orange Juice that had tasted amazing so I thought I could prob down some more. Unfortunately the kind at the gas station was not hitting the spot like Walmart's had. We drove straight there and I only got about three little drinks of the OJ down. Once there they took me straight to the procedure room where I did the usual. Because the IV from Thursday didn't work we had to poke again. This time the pain and pressure in my abdomen was much worse, so I knew that there was much more fluid in there. I came to find out that this means no veins. I don't even remember where they started but they dug for a vein FOR-EV-ER. Once they figured out that that wouldn't work they came to the inside of my elbow. There they continued to dig and move inside of my skin, almost as if it were a game, or maybe that they were trying to lure my veins out of hiding. The needle felt ginormous. She pulled the needle out after forever (again) and very quickly I wasn't feeling well. I expressed this and somehow they knew what was coming next. Everyone shuffled all at once. I sat up, the assistant grabbed the garbage, and the phlebotomist backed off as I started to hurl water and any OJ I had in my belly. A stomach that is contracting and expelling anything that is in it, ON TOP of an abdomen filled with fluid, was NOT pleasant. It hurt :( Now sweating and spitting (OJ is terrible the second time) I was so done with this. They got me a cold wet washcloth and Bailey wiped me down, legs, neck, arms, everywhere. It felt amazing. Thank goodness I was the only one there. They were able to open the door and cool the sauna of a room off and I was so hot that I had no shame. I was getting anything that was covering my body, off! But they weren't done with me yet. I got a shot in my bum cheek that they said would help with nausea and also relax me. It seemed like forever until it kicked in. I felt more relaxed and once they realized that, they decided to try again. In the end I was poked 7....seven....times. Seven times they went fishing in my skin with a big 'ol needle, but my veins were not coming out for the bait. Any fluid that my body would have was not to be found in my veins. The Dr showed up and discussed with us that perhaps they would give all of the medications I needed through shots in my bum and after draining all the fluid, I would be sent to the hospital where I would be for a couple of hours with an IV getting fluid to make up for what was taken. After a while of them discussing, they attempted a poke one last time (making it the seventh). By this time I looked at the nurse and practically begged her to let me do it the next day. She sadly told me no, that we had to get it done asap. They told us that they were sending us to the hospital just down the road. There they had professional IV pokers. You know, the ones that do hundreds of IV's everyday. By now you can only imagine how livid my poor husband was. He had sat there in the room for more than an hour watching me be poked over and over again, and puking my guts out, when this was a possibility all along? He was not liking any of this either and not so pleasantly expressed that in the car on our way to the hospital. Lets just say that this marked the first time I had heard him say some choice words.
When we got to the hospital which really was just a block away, Bailey helped me inside and we had to sit at the front desk to register. Seriously? I am dying of pain here and you Ms. Smiley, want me to tell you when my birthday is? I was NOT wanting to answer questions. But we sat for about ten minutes so they could register us or whatever and slap a cute bracelet around my wrist. They wheeled me back, laid me on a bed in the ER and I had a nurse on each side of me. I hate that plastic stuff that they wrap around your arm before the stick. They wrapped that stuff so tight that it hurt more than the poke itself. The hospitals needles were much smaller than the clinics, so that was nice. And they also had those cute blue barf bags which was nice so I could take some with me and not worry so much about locating a garbage can..or even wonder what is in there as I'm throwing up in it. The nurse on my right poked me and was unable to locate a vein. She poked again in another spot and asked for a tube. I excitedly asked if she got it and she replied, "I don't know yet." By the time she pulled the needle out they had retrieved three tubes of blood and an IV was placed. I wanted to hug her I was so happy. Total time at the hospital was about 15 minutes. They wheeled me out to our car and I was yet again on my way to the clinic.
Once at the clinic I was right back to my room and a few of them gawked and wanted to see where they were able to place the IV, like it was a magic trick. Let me just add, that they at the clinic really didn't even take a look at my right arm because the veins were supposedly worse on that side. Anyways. I stripped down, laid on the bed and the game began. Once down I of course asked for my oh so favorite oxygen only to find out that they were out that day. Man, it was most certainly NOT my day. Well by the time they pushed the drugs through my sacred IV I was out. I think with all the drugs before, the drugs now plus my exhaustion I really just passed right out. I really don't remember any more of the appointment. I was sad to wake up because sleeping felt so good, but Bailey was rushing me out because my mom and sister were waiting for us. My mom would be taking care of me for the next however long. That day they told me that they had drained two and a half... yup, 2 1/2 Liters from me. Which was about twice as before. Holy moly, that fit in me? Thank heavens I could keep my IV for next time, the only "pain" about it was having to flush it every eight hours. But I would SO rather do that then everything else ALL over again. Finally after a four and a half hour visit at the clinic we were able to leave. So we met my momma and sissy at Taco Bell (I was hungry) and not long after being in there I just went right back outside to sit on the curb and breathe all the fresh air I could. It was such a nice day and I felt like that was my little tender mercy. Not long after being there they were finished eating and Bailey tucked me into my mom's car and kissed me goodbye. I did not want to say goodbye at all. It felt terrible. After how well he just took care of me and everything he had just done and I hardly got to thank him or show him my gratitude for it. I really just wanted to go home to where he could cuddle me to sleep. My heart broke to see him drive away. I missed him already. How grateful I truly am for such a wonderful husband who truly shows me how much I mean to him.
So we were on the road to Idaho where I would be until I got better. And that was the scary thought. UNTIL I got better. I couldn't tell work when I would be back and I wasn't going to be able to teach my little primary kids until who knows when.... Who knew how long that would be, no one did. Only time could tell and all I could do was lay flat on my back with my feet raised and wait.
P.S. I'm pretty sure that I forgot to include something very important in the last post. Something that you all have been squirming to know. On the previous Thursday when I had my first draining done I had my blood drawn and they told us that they would go ahead and test for pregnancy then. This was awesome because Monday already seemed like years away. I wanted to know now! And Bailey was not going to allow any excitement enter until he knew for sure. So on our way home after I had been drained and filled with meds, I am sleeping away when all of a sudden I am awoken by an anxious husband telling me to call the clinic. I replied somewhat annoyingly (I needed my beauty rest more than ever right now), "They said they'd call us." Barely finishing my sentence he anxiously says, "Well they've had plenty of time and should know by now. Call them." The cuteness of it all got the best of me and so I called. They told us that they like to see the pregnancy number above 75 and we were at 118. We were definitely pregnant. :) And that it was got me through Sunday.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Is it swearing if I say "Let the Hell Begin" ?
The next couple days went really well thanks to a great mom who took such wonderful care of me. I really did stay put for two and a half days and my mom fed me amazing food. Sunday came and I was up and walking. Bailey came to get me and we were later on our way back home to Vernal. I was to be back to work the next day. The ride went well and we made it home from the 5 hour drive safely. I was excited to get back to life. I had been away from work for two weeks now and really looked forward to getting back to the girls there and to be active.
The next morning it was a little rough getting ready. It seemed to take quite a bit of extra effort, but once I stepped out the door the cool breeze felt amazing. Everything was hard though and it was going to be quite an adjustment. My belly was tight and tender so anything from straightening my hair to getting in and out of my car was quite the chore. I felt like such a whale. I got to work and the girls were absolutely amazing. I am so grateful for how well they took care of me, which in the end, they took care of me so much better than I was taking care of myself. They had me back in the drive-up part of the bank where I was out of the busy part and up in a chair so that I wouldn't have to go back and forth and be active. The first day was rather overwhelming and I was not expecting that at all. It was a Monday, which is busy at any bank, and I hadn't been for two weeks. It's amazing how much the brain can "forget" or just how rusty in can get in such little time. I was going crazy trying to work fast and keep up with all the cars and with each thing I did there was always that voice in my head saying, "Oh! Be careful! Oh wait don't lift that! Oh! Don't do that! That hurts! Take it slow!" Ugh, I had such a hard time focusing and it was so hard to do the stuff I needed to do in a chair WITHOUT using my abdominal muscles. So by the end of the day I was completely exhausted and wore out, and ready for some much needed sleep. The next day was much better and it really felt so good to be back and feel useful. The girls were always right there by my side to help me and telling me to get back in the chair. Seriously...I was surrounded with 5 extra moms. I wanted to be helpful! But each time I tried I would get the pointing of the finger and felt like I was a puppy. I learned how to stop being so prideful and independent and LET people help me. By the end of Tuesday I was really starting to get sore and didn't have much for an appetite. Because of what had happened previously (and I knew my body was still working on riding itself of all the fluid), I was still drinking fluids with electrolytes only. Wednesday I got out of bed and was definitely hurting. I again couldn't stand up straight without having pain and I was walking slow, making each step as soft as I possibly could. Bailey leaves for work each day at 4 a.m so I sent him a text letting him know that today was going to be a hard day. It was then that I noticed I had left my full bottle of extra strength Tylenol at my parents. Great. I of course was not feeling like getting ready so I threw my hair up and put some make up on and was out. Throughout the day (which was a busy one) I had one or two short attacks of very sharp intense pains up the side of my abdomen and around my diaghram and uterus. It's as if you were to draw a large square on my abdomen starting at my ribs and ending at my uterus. To me this was good news. I was having OHSS symptoms again, which Doc told us would happen if we were to get pregnant. But the pain became unbearable. I didn't have an appetite at all and nothing sounded good. I was to be done with work at 530 but it was slightly busy and leaving only two girls there didn't really feel right. So I stayed. I tried eating a banana but that wasn't working at all, but i was able to eat a few saltines at least. By 540 I was hunched on the floor with pain. I called Bailey and he said that he would be able to pick me up, he was just getting done with work. I planned that he could drive and we could get some fast food and then get some more meds. By 6 the pain had subsided and I was able to drive home. At this time I was starving. I seriously was hit with intense hunger, like I felt like an animal! I waited in my car for Bai to get home and he of course wanted to shower. The pain makes it so that I really don't want to move, so I sat and waited, and of course nothing at home sounded good. Once out the door I told him that I wanted a big juicy burger and I needed it fast. We stopped at Wendy's and I ordered what looked good and let me tell you, I didn't think I had ever tasted a burger so yummy as that one. And I couldn't refrain from expressing that after and during each bite. My poor husband thinks I am such a hot mess. More like a beast. But seriously, it tasted SO DARN GOOD! So, while eating and practically foaming at the mouth, he went to Walmart to grab some things including some meds. Earlier I had called the fertility center and made sure it was OK to take the Tylenol. Usually it is very difficult to get a hold of my nurse so I just leave a message. When Tonia our nurse called back she was concerned about the pains I was having. So to be sure all was OK I called the after hours fertility number and the lady told me to go ahead and take some medicine and...that is all I can remember. While waiting for Bailey to get back in the car I was overcome by the worst stabbing pains I had ever felt. They were terrible. I squirmed in my car seat trying not to cry and trying to find any possible relief. Shaking and sweating, full of nausea and scared of what the heck is happening to me, I manage to text Bailey to hurry. He gets back and I tell him to call the nurse back. I couldn't handle this any longer. It was completely unbearable. While he is calling, I was hunched over the dashboard, covering it with tears, trying to breath and overcome this horrible pain. I told him to tell her either I needed to go to the hospital or something had to be done. She called in some stronger medicine and said that I needed to come in first thing in the morning. Bailey brought me home and I was able to get in bed and apply the heating pad. I of course took the Tylenol once Bai had gotten back in the car. If it weren't for a cute little baby growing inside me I may have taken the whole dang bottle. Ha, jk...kinda. This lasted about five minutes. I didn't think it was gonna end. After a little bit I was yet again conqueror and was able to relax. Bailey left to get the medicine that was called in and I just laid in bed, wondering what the heck was going to happen. I was so tired that Bai just let me sleep in and we left at around 830. I called the fertility center and they told me to get there asap. We stopped at my work to let them know that I wasn't going to be in that day. I SO hated doing that to them. Bailey was great about making me comfortable. He packed some pillows and stuffed the body pillow between me and the door and then another pillow underneath me and between me and the middle console. I practically couldn't move which was the plan. Each bump hurt like...well it hurt. We had a long drive and I relaxed and we talked. Some roads really sucked with insane bumps and I really wanted to kill people, but we made it through :) We had about a half hour to go and decided to stop for food before we got there. We got taco bell and once again, I swore it had never tasted so good. By now my husband was wondering what kind of a beast I was going to be if I were to get pregnant or what kind of beast I was growing. But I couldn't stop telling him how good it was.
So we made it to the center and as soon as I stepped in the door they opened the door to the rooms and took me back. I did the usual of undressing from waist down and waited. The nurse practioner came in, she was the sweetest thing in the world, and had me lay back to have a look at things. I was so use to vaginal ultrasounds that they were nothing to me by now. She showed us on the screen some black space covering my insides, that was all fluid. My OHSS was getting worse, which of course was bitter-sweet. OHSS=pregnant. And I had three people at the clinic tell me that at least this was a good sign :) But we were still to wait till Monday for a more accurate reading of a pregnancy test. For a quick reminder of what OHSS is: When the body realizes that something is growing on the uterus and detects that it is a baby, a hormone called hCG is produced. HCG tells the ovaries to not shed this lining but to start producing hormones such as progestrone and estrogen to take care of it. In turn because the ovaries are using so much fluid, the body starts pulling fluid from the blood vessels to replace what is being lost. So my belly begins to fill with lots of fluid all around my intestines. She told us that I would need to be "tapped" today, meaning drained. We had many questions and were able to talk to her and have them all answered. She told us everything and it felt so much better to know what was going on. She said that this would not harm the baby in anyway. She said that it sounded worse than it really was, but that they would go in vaginally with the probe and on the end would be a needle. They would pierce the uterine wall and from there suck the fluid out. I would get an iv and have some local anesthesia and pain meds as well as nausea meds, all enough to make me not out of it but pretty much forget everything. We got to also see my ovaries, which usually are the size of almonds but now the growing peaches. Everything was just trying to fit in my body. The MA came in to get my vital signs. Normally I have a blood pressure of 110/72 or less and a heart rate in the mid 60-70's. With everything going on in my body my blood pressure was 125/72 (I've never seen it that high) and a heart rate at 118. Normal heart rate is 60-90. So my body was taking the toll. So until the procedure room was open we were going to get my iv and fluids started. I've really done well with blood draws and iv's since all the shots I had to give myself the month before the egg retrieval, but this was different. My body was retaining water, my belly always felt full, I always felt thirsty and could never feel satisfied, but even still I was too full to fit anything else in there. So of course that brings small veins. The draining would give relief for about a day before it would swell up and need to be done again. So the plan was to leave an iv in so we wouldn't have to attempt doing another one. So instead of one on the inside of my elbow, the best vein she could find was on the outside of my wrist. She warned me that this would be a bad painful stick but its the best one I had. Yes, it was painful. And once in there, she needed to fish around for the vein. I'm trying to breath deep and slow, but breathing deep hurts and already I was so so hot (for a person who is always cold, I had been uncomfortably hot since the egg retrieval.) She finally pulled out, I'm thinking we got it, but nope, we didn't. We'd have to stick again, and this time just on the inside of my elbow. Mainly because this is where my best veins are and so we hoped we'd find one there. So with this stick she still was in their for a good minute or two and by then by body had had enough. I got super clammy and nauseated, feeling totally....icky and terrible. Bailey, all the while, trying to distract me, until he got sick too. What a dramatic mess lol. So it was finally in, and it hurt. I didn't think that I could handle this for the whole weekend. It hurt until I woke up after the draining, to the point where I said, just remove it. My doc that would be doing the draining came in and with her reaction said "What a pale green face." I was def not ready to get up yet. After a few moments I shakily sat up and walked slowly with lots of help to the procedure room. I laid back and the nurse gave me the anesthesia and oxygen. I have come to love love love oxygen. With OHSS one symptom is being short of breath and it is painful to get a deep breath, so often I just feel out of breath. The oxygen feels so nice, like I can breath and get sufficient air supply. Ah, what a fresh breath of air :) In came the Dr and they got right to it. I don't remember much, but I do remember that the poking of the uterine wall was rather painful. I couldn't help but push on the outside of my uterus to try to relieve the pain, but that was all. I remember coming to for a minute and everyone just sitting around in the dark talking while the fluid drained. I don't recall how much they got, but they got most of it and it was a lot. I was so sleepy that I slept for what felt forever, about 20-30 min. This procedure did take a long time. We were in the office total for about 3 hours. I got up and did feel better. Of course there was still great pressure from my peachy ovaries, but I could walk up straight and breathe. They gave me a paper to record all of my output (I got the cute little hat to put in the toilet) and input and also my weight. And I was still on my diet, smart water and powerade/gatorade, anything with electrolytes. The high sodium is hopefully to suck the fluid in the veins where it belongs and electrolytes to well keep me nourished obviously. I can't get dehydrated. But also I would drink and drink and still would feel so thirsty. But yet I could not fit anything else in my stomach. It was so hard because I'd be hungry and want to eat, but just a couple of bites and my stomach would hurt from all the pressure.
Well thank goodness Bailey had the next two days, Friday and Saturday, off and he would be able to help me. Saturday they would be calling me to see how I was feeling and we'd go from there. By Thursday night I was already hurting with pain, AGAIN. I laid on our living room couch all day long Friday. I was finally able to take a nap once I could find a comfortable position. Anytime I could find a position that didn't hurt too bad I was out, sleeping away, and that was the best. I just laid around for the next two days. Saturday morning I got up and had yet another episode. I got super nauseated, wishing my body would just throw up already. I crawled to the floor, dripping with sweat, and Bailey ran in. I was grasping to the side of the tub, completely embarrassed because I was in so much pain that no only could I pull my britches up but I couldn't even reach behind me to clean myself up after going to the bathroom. I asked Bailey to get a ponytail so that I could get my sick matted hair off my body. The sweetheart he is he put my hair up in a ponytail. I was hunched over and he grabbed my tangled hair (I was trying not to whine from the pulling) and he totally gave me a hot pony on the top of my head. I was very impressed. But of course when I checked me out in the mirror I don't think that hairdo helped the messy part I already looked. Oh I was scary. After it passed Bailey even asked if he could help clean me up. My heart just melted yet ached at the same time. I am so blessed with such a wonderful husband, yet I hate that I have to be such a burden and worry to him. I wanted to take care of myself.
Bailey assisted me back to the couch and I tried to lift my legs up but was so weak and shot with abdominal pain that I couldn't. Bailey grabbed my legs and put them up on the pillows. I tried hard but couldn't hold it back, I just started to sob. I felt so hopeless. I mean, I was so grateful, but I felt so worthless. This was terrible. Not only did he ask if he could help clean me up, but he also had to help me walk, get in bed and get me food. Saturday was a very hard day for me and I really was growing so negative. I had been on bed-rest for almost 3 weeks now and I was not able to take care of myself. When was I ever going to get better? I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I was unable to work, leaving them completely shorthanded and I felt absolutely terrible. And here I am being a complete burden on my husband. I hated this. I was so done. When the clinic called I was so frustrated. I felt like my case was not bad enough or that it was dangerous to do it again, because for some reason she came off "do you really feel like you have to do it?" After the call I was absolutely livid. I was hurting so bad, my stomach could NOT get any tighter. It was an absolute pain to eat or drink, which I craved, but yet it was just better to not do either. Are you kidding me lady!? Later I found out that there is always a worry about infection with the draining procedure. Of course there is, with anything there is that small percent of getting infection. Well here I was, the 1-2% of transfers who got OHSS. And it doesn't hurt the baby at all. That was it. Bailey looked me in the face, while I'm unable to breath and sobbing, and said, "You are the one who knows if we need to go in. Do not wait until the last minute." So I called and made the appt. We were going in Sunday to be yet again drained. Oh how ready I was. I prayed that this time the relief of it would last longer.
The next morning it was a little rough getting ready. It seemed to take quite a bit of extra effort, but once I stepped out the door the cool breeze felt amazing. Everything was hard though and it was going to be quite an adjustment. My belly was tight and tender so anything from straightening my hair to getting in and out of my car was quite the chore. I felt like such a whale. I got to work and the girls were absolutely amazing. I am so grateful for how well they took care of me, which in the end, they took care of me so much better than I was taking care of myself. They had me back in the drive-up part of the bank where I was out of the busy part and up in a chair so that I wouldn't have to go back and forth and be active. The first day was rather overwhelming and I was not expecting that at all. It was a Monday, which is busy at any bank, and I hadn't been for two weeks. It's amazing how much the brain can "forget" or just how rusty in can get in such little time. I was going crazy trying to work fast and keep up with all the cars and with each thing I did there was always that voice in my head saying, "Oh! Be careful! Oh wait don't lift that! Oh! Don't do that! That hurts! Take it slow!" Ugh, I had such a hard time focusing and it was so hard to do the stuff I needed to do in a chair WITHOUT using my abdominal muscles. So by the end of the day I was completely exhausted and wore out, and ready for some much needed sleep. The next day was much better and it really felt so good to be back and feel useful. The girls were always right there by my side to help me and telling me to get back in the chair. Seriously...I was surrounded with 5 extra moms. I wanted to be helpful! But each time I tried I would get the pointing of the finger and felt like I was a puppy. I learned how to stop being so prideful and independent and LET people help me. By the end of Tuesday I was really starting to get sore and didn't have much for an appetite. Because of what had happened previously (and I knew my body was still working on riding itself of all the fluid), I was still drinking fluids with electrolytes only. Wednesday I got out of bed and was definitely hurting. I again couldn't stand up straight without having pain and I was walking slow, making each step as soft as I possibly could. Bailey leaves for work each day at 4 a.m so I sent him a text letting him know that today was going to be a hard day. It was then that I noticed I had left my full bottle of extra strength Tylenol at my parents. Great. I of course was not feeling like getting ready so I threw my hair up and put some make up on and was out. Throughout the day (which was a busy one) I had one or two short attacks of very sharp intense pains up the side of my abdomen and around my diaghram and uterus. It's as if you were to draw a large square on my abdomen starting at my ribs and ending at my uterus. To me this was good news. I was having OHSS symptoms again, which Doc told us would happen if we were to get pregnant. But the pain became unbearable. I didn't have an appetite at all and nothing sounded good. I was to be done with work at 530 but it was slightly busy and leaving only two girls there didn't really feel right. So I stayed. I tried eating a banana but that wasn't working at all, but i was able to eat a few saltines at least. By 540 I was hunched on the floor with pain. I called Bailey and he said that he would be able to pick me up, he was just getting done with work. I planned that he could drive and we could get some fast food and then get some more meds. By 6 the pain had subsided and I was able to drive home. At this time I was starving. I seriously was hit with intense hunger, like I felt like an animal! I waited in my car for Bai to get home and he of course wanted to shower. The pain makes it so that I really don't want to move, so I sat and waited, and of course nothing at home sounded good. Once out the door I told him that I wanted a big juicy burger and I needed it fast. We stopped at Wendy's and I ordered what looked good and let me tell you, I didn't think I had ever tasted a burger so yummy as that one. And I couldn't refrain from expressing that after and during each bite. My poor husband thinks I am such a hot mess. More like a beast. But seriously, it tasted SO DARN GOOD! So, while eating and practically foaming at the mouth, he went to Walmart to grab some things including some meds. Earlier I had called the fertility center and made sure it was OK to take the Tylenol. Usually it is very difficult to get a hold of my nurse so I just leave a message. When Tonia our nurse called back she was concerned about the pains I was having. So to be sure all was OK I called the after hours fertility number and the lady told me to go ahead and take some medicine and...that is all I can remember. While waiting for Bailey to get back in the car I was overcome by the worst stabbing pains I had ever felt. They were terrible. I squirmed in my car seat trying not to cry and trying to find any possible relief. Shaking and sweating, full of nausea and scared of what the heck is happening to me, I manage to text Bailey to hurry. He gets back and I tell him to call the nurse back. I couldn't handle this any longer. It was completely unbearable. While he is calling, I was hunched over the dashboard, covering it with tears, trying to breath and overcome this horrible pain. I told him to tell her either I needed to go to the hospital or something had to be done. She called in some stronger medicine and said that I needed to come in first thing in the morning. Bailey brought me home and I was able to get in bed and apply the heating pad. I of course took the Tylenol once Bai had gotten back in the car. If it weren't for a cute little baby growing inside me I may have taken the whole dang bottle. Ha, jk...kinda. This lasted about five minutes. I didn't think it was gonna end. After a little bit I was yet again conqueror and was able to relax. Bailey left to get the medicine that was called in and I just laid in bed, wondering what the heck was going to happen. I was so tired that Bai just let me sleep in and we left at around 830. I called the fertility center and they told me to get there asap. We stopped at my work to let them know that I wasn't going to be in that day. I SO hated doing that to them. Bailey was great about making me comfortable. He packed some pillows and stuffed the body pillow between me and the door and then another pillow underneath me and between me and the middle console. I practically couldn't move which was the plan. Each bump hurt like...well it hurt. We had a long drive and I relaxed and we talked. Some roads really sucked with insane bumps and I really wanted to kill people, but we made it through :) We had about a half hour to go and decided to stop for food before we got there. We got taco bell and once again, I swore it had never tasted so good. By now my husband was wondering what kind of a beast I was going to be if I were to get pregnant or what kind of beast I was growing. But I couldn't stop telling him how good it was.
So we made it to the center and as soon as I stepped in the door they opened the door to the rooms and took me back. I did the usual of undressing from waist down and waited. The nurse practioner came in, she was the sweetest thing in the world, and had me lay back to have a look at things. I was so use to vaginal ultrasounds that they were nothing to me by now. She showed us on the screen some black space covering my insides, that was all fluid. My OHSS was getting worse, which of course was bitter-sweet. OHSS=pregnant. And I had three people at the clinic tell me that at least this was a good sign :) But we were still to wait till Monday for a more accurate reading of a pregnancy test. For a quick reminder of what OHSS is: When the body realizes that something is growing on the uterus and detects that it is a baby, a hormone called hCG is produced. HCG tells the ovaries to not shed this lining but to start producing hormones such as progestrone and estrogen to take care of it. In turn because the ovaries are using so much fluid, the body starts pulling fluid from the blood vessels to replace what is being lost. So my belly begins to fill with lots of fluid all around my intestines. She told us that I would need to be "tapped" today, meaning drained. We had many questions and were able to talk to her and have them all answered. She told us everything and it felt so much better to know what was going on. She said that this would not harm the baby in anyway. She said that it sounded worse than it really was, but that they would go in vaginally with the probe and on the end would be a needle. They would pierce the uterine wall and from there suck the fluid out. I would get an iv and have some local anesthesia and pain meds as well as nausea meds, all enough to make me not out of it but pretty much forget everything. We got to also see my ovaries, which usually are the size of almonds but now the growing peaches. Everything was just trying to fit in my body. The MA came in to get my vital signs. Normally I have a blood pressure of 110/72 or less and a heart rate in the mid 60-70's. With everything going on in my body my blood pressure was 125/72 (I've never seen it that high) and a heart rate at 118. Normal heart rate is 60-90. So my body was taking the toll. So until the procedure room was open we were going to get my iv and fluids started. I've really done well with blood draws and iv's since all the shots I had to give myself the month before the egg retrieval, but this was different. My body was retaining water, my belly always felt full, I always felt thirsty and could never feel satisfied, but even still I was too full to fit anything else in there. So of course that brings small veins. The draining would give relief for about a day before it would swell up and need to be done again. So the plan was to leave an iv in so we wouldn't have to attempt doing another one. So instead of one on the inside of my elbow, the best vein she could find was on the outside of my wrist. She warned me that this would be a bad painful stick but its the best one I had. Yes, it was painful. And once in there, she needed to fish around for the vein. I'm trying to breath deep and slow, but breathing deep hurts and already I was so so hot (for a person who is always cold, I had been uncomfortably hot since the egg retrieval.) She finally pulled out, I'm thinking we got it, but nope, we didn't. We'd have to stick again, and this time just on the inside of my elbow. Mainly because this is where my best veins are and so we hoped we'd find one there. So with this stick she still was in their for a good minute or two and by then by body had had enough. I got super clammy and nauseated, feeling totally....icky and terrible. Bailey, all the while, trying to distract me, until he got sick too. What a dramatic mess lol. So it was finally in, and it hurt. I didn't think that I could handle this for the whole weekend. It hurt until I woke up after the draining, to the point where I said, just remove it. My doc that would be doing the draining came in and with her reaction said "What a pale green face." I was def not ready to get up yet. After a few moments I shakily sat up and walked slowly with lots of help to the procedure room. I laid back and the nurse gave me the anesthesia and oxygen. I have come to love love love oxygen. With OHSS one symptom is being short of breath and it is painful to get a deep breath, so often I just feel out of breath. The oxygen feels so nice, like I can breath and get sufficient air supply. Ah, what a fresh breath of air :) In came the Dr and they got right to it. I don't remember much, but I do remember that the poking of the uterine wall was rather painful. I couldn't help but push on the outside of my uterus to try to relieve the pain, but that was all. I remember coming to for a minute and everyone just sitting around in the dark talking while the fluid drained. I don't recall how much they got, but they got most of it and it was a lot. I was so sleepy that I slept for what felt forever, about 20-30 min. This procedure did take a long time. We were in the office total for about 3 hours. I got up and did feel better. Of course there was still great pressure from my peachy ovaries, but I could walk up straight and breathe. They gave me a paper to record all of my output (I got the cute little hat to put in the toilet) and input and also my weight. And I was still on my diet, smart water and powerade/gatorade, anything with electrolytes. The high sodium is hopefully to suck the fluid in the veins where it belongs and electrolytes to well keep me nourished obviously. I can't get dehydrated. But also I would drink and drink and still would feel so thirsty. But yet I could not fit anything else in my stomach. It was so hard because I'd be hungry and want to eat, but just a couple of bites and my stomach would hurt from all the pressure.
Well thank goodness Bailey had the next two days, Friday and Saturday, off and he would be able to help me. Saturday they would be calling me to see how I was feeling and we'd go from there. By Thursday night I was already hurting with pain, AGAIN. I laid on our living room couch all day long Friday. I was finally able to take a nap once I could find a comfortable position. Anytime I could find a position that didn't hurt too bad I was out, sleeping away, and that was the best. I just laid around for the next two days. Saturday morning I got up and had yet another episode. I got super nauseated, wishing my body would just throw up already. I crawled to the floor, dripping with sweat, and Bailey ran in. I was grasping to the side of the tub, completely embarrassed because I was in so much pain that no only could I pull my britches up but I couldn't even reach behind me to clean myself up after going to the bathroom. I asked Bailey to get a ponytail so that I could get my sick matted hair off my body. The sweetheart he is he put my hair up in a ponytail. I was hunched over and he grabbed my tangled hair (I was trying not to whine from the pulling) and he totally gave me a hot pony on the top of my head. I was very impressed. But of course when I checked me out in the mirror I don't think that hairdo helped the messy part I already looked. Oh I was scary. After it passed Bailey even asked if he could help clean me up. My heart just melted yet ached at the same time. I am so blessed with such a wonderful husband, yet I hate that I have to be such a burden and worry to him. I wanted to take care of myself.
Bailey assisted me back to the couch and I tried to lift my legs up but was so weak and shot with abdominal pain that I couldn't. Bailey grabbed my legs and put them up on the pillows. I tried hard but couldn't hold it back, I just started to sob. I felt so hopeless. I mean, I was so grateful, but I felt so worthless. This was terrible. Not only did he ask if he could help clean me up, but he also had to help me walk, get in bed and get me food. Saturday was a very hard day for me and I really was growing so negative. I had been on bed-rest for almost 3 weeks now and I was not able to take care of myself. When was I ever going to get better? I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I was unable to work, leaving them completely shorthanded and I felt absolutely terrible. And here I am being a complete burden on my husband. I hated this. I was so done. When the clinic called I was so frustrated. I felt like my case was not bad enough or that it was dangerous to do it again, because for some reason she came off "do you really feel like you have to do it?" After the call I was absolutely livid. I was hurting so bad, my stomach could NOT get any tighter. It was an absolute pain to eat or drink, which I craved, but yet it was just better to not do either. Are you kidding me lady!? Later I found out that there is always a worry about infection with the draining procedure. Of course there is, with anything there is that small percent of getting infection. Well here I was, the 1-2% of transfers who got OHSS. And it doesn't hurt the baby at all. That was it. Bailey looked me in the face, while I'm unable to breath and sobbing, and said, "You are the one who knows if we need to go in. Do not wait until the last minute." So I called and made the appt. We were going in Sunday to be yet again drained. Oh how ready I was. I prayed that this time the relief of it would last longer.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
*Miracles*
So the next week was daily morning ultrasounds to see how the eggs were doing. Before retrieval the Doctor likes to see at least one egg at 18 mm. I was starting to feel so super full that week. I seriously felt like I was walking around with a huge vine of grapes hanging on each of my hips and at any moment they were going to start popping outta my skin. It was tender and had a lot of pressure. I had got to the point where we had one that was at 17 mm and there was 12 eggs on one side and 10-11 on the other. See, most women make one egg a month and here I was carrying around about two years worth! So finally we got to where we needed to be and the egg retrieval was going to be that Saturday. Thursday night I was to take an hCG shot at exactly 11 p.m and the next morning was an hCG pregnancy test. The timing of the shot is crucial. HCG is a hormone that does a couple of things. For this instance, the hormone would be telling my ovaries to release the eggs. So Saturday morning when I went in, they would be at the right spot to be able to retrieve. We cannot retrieve eggs that are not mature enough nor can we retrieve old eggs. So this is why the timing of the shot is critical. So I did the shot and the next morning the test showed positive meaning that it had done what it was supposed to and my balloons had been released :)
I found a couple of things super interesting. I was to fast 12 hours before and go to the appt with no make-up or contacts. The night before the anesthesiologist called me to let me know of everything that would be going on and did give me the OK to brush my teeth, as long as I promised not to swallow. LOL. He said that some people get desperate. I guess that makeup can cause certain reactions to medications, but most importantly it was so that they could monitor my color and such while I was put out. Once we got there I kissed and said goodbye to my husband and went back to the room. The anesthesiologist did wonderful and not long after receiving the medications I was out. I was actually, surprisingly super comfortable. The thingy's they had for me to rest my legs on were all wool covered and made it easy for me to relax. The procedure in short is quite simple. A needle is placed on the tip of the ultrasound probe and inserted vaginally. The Dr then through ultrasound locates the ovaries to find the follicles. Each follicle is punctured and the fluid is gently sucked out. The fluid is then taken by an embryologist who evaluates the fluid and locates the egg. The egg is taken from the fluid and placed in a dish where later they will do the ICSI (insert the sperm).
I remember waking up at the end of the procedure and hearing the MA ask if she was good to go for the day. When the nurse told her yes I asked her if she would bring back some Taco Bell lol. After a minute I thought, "Did I really just ask that? You stupid..." I was then stood up, covered, and like a puppet, walked through a door to a recovery room. There I slept the anesthesia off and my husband came in to wait with me. The Dr came in and told us that everything went great. They were able to retrieve... 24 eggs! Twenty Four! Whoa! I was carrying 2 years worth of eggs around, you know, no big deal! This was a great number. So he said that once I was ready we could leave and that on Monday we would receive a call letting us know how the eggs were doing. After the ICSI they would sit and harvest. When we did the transfer depended on a few things, such as how the eggs were doing. On Monday if the zygotes (what the fertilized eggs are called) are doing really well and are healthy and strong, then we will let them go another day or two. But if they aren't very strong then we will go ahead and transfer that day or the next because they are better off inside my warm cozy inn. So we would anxiously wait for Monday. After we left the clinic we went to Bailey's brothers house where I was able to sleep for a bit. Once awake I waddled to the bathroom where I got super sick, lightheaded and dizzy, to the point where I just melted to the ground hoping that the cool tile would cool me down and make this go away. I was somewhat prepared for this, as I have learned that I never do well when the anesthesia wears off. This lasted about five minutes and by then I was starving. I had not eaten yet. I needed something light so Bai went and got me an Olive Garden salad which tasted absolutely amazing. We had planned a dinner with my aunt and her family and so we headed over to her house. While there my belly started to really hurt and I was unable to walk standing straight up. I just walked around hunched over, trying not to stretch any muscles making them pull on any of my organs. After dinner we made the ride home which was 3 1/2 hours.... and it was absolutely terrible. Each bump or turn or anything that moved me hurt like the dickens. I couldn't sleep because of the pain and could not find one position that brought comfort. We finally made it home and I was able to sleep. The next day I was feeling pretty good (but also looking about 3 months pregnant) and was able to get some things done around the house and run some errands. The next day I was right back to the killer pain. I woke up in tears because I was unable to move without intense shocks sent all up and down the sides of my abdomen and I was also unable to take a deep breath without having any pain. I called the clinic and my IVF Coordinator told me to stay down, rest and drink lots and lots of Gatorade. I was also told that I could take extra strength Tylenol to help with the pain, and that all of this was normal. It certainly didn't feel normal. Especially when the anesthesiologist told me that I would be right back up and back to normal the next day. So here I am, unable to move or walk, husband is at work, and it's a Sunday. Thank goodness for such wonderful and great ward members! My mom was able to make the 5 hour drive (bless her dear sweet heart) and come take care of me. I was so grateful for her help. I was able to stay in bed as she brought me food and anything else I needed. The next morning I woke up feeling better, but still looking huge. We received our Monday call and were told that ALL 24 eggs had indeed fertilized! Ah haha! So so awesome right! The embryologist said it was looking fantastic and that we were dealing with some big numbers here. They would continue to watch them and let us know on Wednesday what they were looking like. We received the call and were told that they were all still harvesting. There were 19 that were still healthy and strong and multiplying wonderfully, doing just what they are supposed to. There were 4 that were doing well but were a little slower than the 19. She told us that our numbers were amazing and unusual. So they would continue to watch them and we would do the transfer on Friday. Friday they would show us how many would be strong enough to freeze. This process is called cryopreservation. The zygotes will have to reach the blastocyst stage to be able to be frozen and we will then be able to use them another time. So I spent the next couple days pretty much sleeping and staying down as I was so exhuasted and tired. During this time I had done some googling, researching for anything that might be causing this craziness. I looked up "pain after egg retrieval and found what is called Ovarian Hyperstimulating Syndrome or OHSS. When the ovaries are stimulated to produce A LOT they tend to continue to hyperstimulate. Also, after an egg retrieval, the empty follicle is left behind and can fill back up with fluid, also causing the ovaries to continue to hyperstimulate. So in my case I was left with 24 empty follicles. The OHSS cases are generally mild and last about a week. The hCG, which causes hyperstimuation of the ovaries is what causes the OHSS, so I just needed to wait for it to clear my system. Friday finally came and I was very concerned about what was going on with my body and the transfer. I had read a ladies blog who had a severe case of OHSS and said that she regretted not waiting to do the transfer at a later time. I really wanted to get pregnant NOW. The Dr came in and had a look and said I definitely was looking 15 weeks pregnant. He told us that it was our decision if we wanted to go ahead with the transfer. He said that this was the worst of it and it would be dying down. But IF I was to get pregnant, then my body will produce it's own hCG hormone. This is what tells the ovaries to NOT shed the lining, but instead to produce hormones to thicken the lining to house whatever it was (a baby) that was growing in there. The Dr felt like I was experiencing a moderate case of OHSS and that I was getting through the worst of it. So we went ahead with the transfer. We then learned that I think 4 or 5 of the zygotes were already to the blastocyst stage and so we had those for sure. They would wait just a little longer to see if any others would reach that stage. We then discussed if we felt like one or two should be transferred. We decided on one as two could cause complications not only to me but also the babies. I was told that I had too small of a frame to attempt having twins. Let me tell you, at this time I was feeling very opposite of "small framed." But the Dr really felt like one was the best and wisest option. I was then laid back (I had previously been given some Valium to cover any pain) and the procedure was started. Bailey was able to be in the room with me at this time. We were able to experience the beautiful process together. A lady came in with a tiny tube and said to Doc "one baby Pulsipher" and we then watched the tube go in and fluid released. Because the blastocyst is naked to the eye, there was an air bubble at the top and one at the bottom, so that we knew our lil baby was somewhere in there. We were then given a picture of that ultrasound.
This was a very sacred experience. It was quiet and we were able to watch one of the most amazing Godly powers take place. We watched this tiny little miracle that we couldn't even see, that had been made from both Bailey and I in a LAB, be inserted into my body, where we hoped it would live and grow for the next 9 months. I was now carrying a little baby, made from both of us! We were given a picture of all of our other zygotes and in the end were able to have 6 frozen. What a beautiful blessing. We were told that most people have half of what we had and in the end they sometimes don't have any that are strong enough to freeze. My heart has been so very humbled and overflowing. We have six other little blastocysts that we can use later on. This created so many feelings within me. I felt that it was as if Bailey and I were truly meant to be and I knew that the feelings I had had all along, about everything working out, were from above. Both Bailey and I were blessed with more than enough to make things work, so that we could hopefully have one of our very own children. Words will never express this incredible experience, but oh how grateful I am to have witnessed it.
So now it was time for what they called "Princess Days." I was to go home and was pretty much bed rest for the next two days. There my Momma picked me up and I kissed and hugged the best man in the world and said goodbye. My mom would be taking care of me as I housed and took great care of this little baby for the next couple of days.
I found a couple of things super interesting. I was to fast 12 hours before and go to the appt with no make-up or contacts. The night before the anesthesiologist called me to let me know of everything that would be going on and did give me the OK to brush my teeth, as long as I promised not to swallow. LOL. He said that some people get desperate. I guess that makeup can cause certain reactions to medications, but most importantly it was so that they could monitor my color and such while I was put out. Once we got there I kissed and said goodbye to my husband and went back to the room. The anesthesiologist did wonderful and not long after receiving the medications I was out. I was actually, surprisingly super comfortable. The thingy's they had for me to rest my legs on were all wool covered and made it easy for me to relax. The procedure in short is quite simple. A needle is placed on the tip of the ultrasound probe and inserted vaginally. The Dr then through ultrasound locates the ovaries to find the follicles. Each follicle is punctured and the fluid is gently sucked out. The fluid is then taken by an embryologist who evaluates the fluid and locates the egg. The egg is taken from the fluid and placed in a dish where later they will do the ICSI (insert the sperm).
I remember waking up at the end of the procedure and hearing the MA ask if she was good to go for the day. When the nurse told her yes I asked her if she would bring back some Taco Bell lol. After a minute I thought, "Did I really just ask that? You stupid..." I was then stood up, covered, and like a puppet, walked through a door to a recovery room. There I slept the anesthesia off and my husband came in to wait with me. The Dr came in and told us that everything went great. They were able to retrieve... 24 eggs! Twenty Four! Whoa! I was carrying 2 years worth of eggs around, you know, no big deal! This was a great number. So he said that once I was ready we could leave and that on Monday we would receive a call letting us know how the eggs were doing. After the ICSI they would sit and harvest. When we did the transfer depended on a few things, such as how the eggs were doing. On Monday if the zygotes (what the fertilized eggs are called) are doing really well and are healthy and strong, then we will let them go another day or two. But if they aren't very strong then we will go ahead and transfer that day or the next because they are better off inside my warm cozy inn. So we would anxiously wait for Monday. After we left the clinic we went to Bailey's brothers house where I was able to sleep for a bit. Once awake I waddled to the bathroom where I got super sick, lightheaded and dizzy, to the point where I just melted to the ground hoping that the cool tile would cool me down and make this go away. I was somewhat prepared for this, as I have learned that I never do well when the anesthesia wears off. This lasted about five minutes and by then I was starving. I had not eaten yet. I needed something light so Bai went and got me an Olive Garden salad which tasted absolutely amazing. We had planned a dinner with my aunt and her family and so we headed over to her house. While there my belly started to really hurt and I was unable to walk standing straight up. I just walked around hunched over, trying not to stretch any muscles making them pull on any of my organs. After dinner we made the ride home which was 3 1/2 hours.... and it was absolutely terrible. Each bump or turn or anything that moved me hurt like the dickens. I couldn't sleep because of the pain and could not find one position that brought comfort. We finally made it home and I was able to sleep. The next day I was feeling pretty good (but also looking about 3 months pregnant) and was able to get some things done around the house and run some errands. The next day I was right back to the killer pain. I woke up in tears because I was unable to move without intense shocks sent all up and down the sides of my abdomen and I was also unable to take a deep breath without having any pain. I called the clinic and my IVF Coordinator told me to stay down, rest and drink lots and lots of Gatorade. I was also told that I could take extra strength Tylenol to help with the pain, and that all of this was normal. It certainly didn't feel normal. Especially when the anesthesiologist told me that I would be right back up and back to normal the next day. So here I am, unable to move or walk, husband is at work, and it's a Sunday. Thank goodness for such wonderful and great ward members! My mom was able to make the 5 hour drive (bless her dear sweet heart) and come take care of me. I was so grateful for her help. I was able to stay in bed as she brought me food and anything else I needed. The next morning I woke up feeling better, but still looking huge. We received our Monday call and were told that ALL 24 eggs had indeed fertilized! Ah haha! So so awesome right! The embryologist said it was looking fantastic and that we were dealing with some big numbers here. They would continue to watch them and let us know on Wednesday what they were looking like. We received the call and were told that they were all still harvesting. There were 19 that were still healthy and strong and multiplying wonderfully, doing just what they are supposed to. There were 4 that were doing well but were a little slower than the 19. She told us that our numbers were amazing and unusual. So they would continue to watch them and we would do the transfer on Friday. Friday they would show us how many would be strong enough to freeze. This process is called cryopreservation. The zygotes will have to reach the blastocyst stage to be able to be frozen and we will then be able to use them another time. So I spent the next couple days pretty much sleeping and staying down as I was so exhuasted and tired. During this time I had done some googling, researching for anything that might be causing this craziness. I looked up "pain after egg retrieval and found what is called Ovarian Hyperstimulating Syndrome or OHSS. When the ovaries are stimulated to produce A LOT they tend to continue to hyperstimulate. Also, after an egg retrieval, the empty follicle is left behind and can fill back up with fluid, also causing the ovaries to continue to hyperstimulate. So in my case I was left with 24 empty follicles. The OHSS cases are generally mild and last about a week. The hCG, which causes hyperstimuation of the ovaries is what causes the OHSS, so I just needed to wait for it to clear my system. Friday finally came and I was very concerned about what was going on with my body and the transfer. I had read a ladies blog who had a severe case of OHSS and said that she regretted not waiting to do the transfer at a later time. I really wanted to get pregnant NOW. The Dr came in and had a look and said I definitely was looking 15 weeks pregnant. He told us that it was our decision if we wanted to go ahead with the transfer. He said that this was the worst of it and it would be dying down. But IF I was to get pregnant, then my body will produce it's own hCG hormone. This is what tells the ovaries to NOT shed the lining, but instead to produce hormones to thicken the lining to house whatever it was (a baby) that was growing in there. The Dr felt like I was experiencing a moderate case of OHSS and that I was getting through the worst of it. So we went ahead with the transfer. We then learned that I think 4 or 5 of the zygotes were already to the blastocyst stage and so we had those for sure. They would wait just a little longer to see if any others would reach that stage. We then discussed if we felt like one or two should be transferred. We decided on one as two could cause complications not only to me but also the babies. I was told that I had too small of a frame to attempt having twins. Let me tell you, at this time I was feeling very opposite of "small framed." But the Dr really felt like one was the best and wisest option. I was then laid back (I had previously been given some Valium to cover any pain) and the procedure was started. Bailey was able to be in the room with me at this time. We were able to experience the beautiful process together. A lady came in with a tiny tube and said to Doc "one baby Pulsipher" and we then watched the tube go in and fluid released. Because the blastocyst is naked to the eye, there was an air bubble at the top and one at the bottom, so that we knew our lil baby was somewhere in there. We were then given a picture of that ultrasound.
This was a very sacred experience. It was quiet and we were able to watch one of the most amazing Godly powers take place. We watched this tiny little miracle that we couldn't even see, that had been made from both Bailey and I in a LAB, be inserted into my body, where we hoped it would live and grow for the next 9 months. I was now carrying a little baby, made from both of us! We were given a picture of all of our other zygotes and in the end were able to have 6 frozen. What a beautiful blessing. We were told that most people have half of what we had and in the end they sometimes don't have any that are strong enough to freeze. My heart has been so very humbled and overflowing. We have six other little blastocysts that we can use later on. This created so many feelings within me. I felt that it was as if Bailey and I were truly meant to be and I knew that the feelings I had had all along, about everything working out, were from above. Both Bailey and I were blessed with more than enough to make things work, so that we could hopefully have one of our very own children. Words will never express this incredible experience, but oh how grateful I am to have witnessed it.
So now it was time for what they called "Princess Days." I was to go home and was pretty much bed rest for the next two days. There my Momma picked me up and I kissed and hugged the best man in the world and said goodbye. My mom would be taking care of me as I housed and took great care of this little baby for the next couple of days.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Popping a Balloon with a Spoon
I am trying to post often so that I can catch up to where I am currently. I feel that now more than ever I need the support. So if you get sick of me posting so often that is why. I am anxious to get this caught up to life NOW.
So really the next two weeks of shots went well. It was super easy and I didn't bruise. My belly just had several lil red dots all over, which I am sure is nothing after what having a baby does to your belly ;) Soon enough things started to settle down, I was starting to get a hang of it all. And crazy enough the date for the procedure was really creeping up fast, so fast that I was calling my auntie just a week before making sure I could stay with her for two weeks. As far as calendar stuff goes I was to stop exercising and had two new shots to start. I planned an extra 20 minutes for myself to do the shots before work for the first day. I was feeling quite confident with them because the one before hadn't hurt one bit. So I get them ready and watch the how-to videos to be sure I do everything correctly. There turned out to be a few extra steps to these ones than the previous. Such as pre-mixing and different dosing. So after the how to video I again, gave myself a good pep talk and once again "stabbed with confidence." Oh Jimmy....that needle bounced right off my belly! I disgustingly looked at that needle thinking, "What in the!? You're telling me I have to stab harder!?" I tried a couple more times and finally thought, "Alright...I gotta get to work....15 minutes ago, I'm just gonna have to do this. It'll be done fast." So I put the needle to my skin and pushed....and pushed some more....and then a lil harder (by now this is looking like I was trying to pop a balloon with a spoon.) I can't see the needle, just a bunch of skin being folded in around the needle and finally POP! It went in! I pushed the solution and wiggled that evil needle out of my belly. It's like it was holding on inside, not wanting to come out. By now I am in a cold sweat and really not wanting to do yet ANOTHER one. But with the pressure of time and some more pep talking I worked up the courage and went in. This time the needle went in much easier, painful, but easier. But as I started to push the solution in, there was an insane, intense, terrible, horrific....you get the idea....burning! And it was resisting, I was shaking trying to push it in. It didn't feel right! I was crying, sweating more (I totally shouldn't have even got ready for work that day, any makeup I had on was now dripping off.) I sat there, wondering what I should do. It really did not feel right, but I had to get to work. So, despite the terrible resistance and burning, I inched a little bit in. After each little push I huffed inspiring words. I--(push)--CAN--(push)--DO--(push) THIS! Once done I gave myself a glance of accomplishment in the mirror, applied some insane pressure and was waddling the door like a creepy hunchback. Thank the heavens above I am blessed with a wonderful understanding boss. The site of that shot hurt ALL. DAY. LONG. Later that evening I called the clinic to be sure that this was normal, and although the resistance was normal, the bouncy dull needle was not. But unfortunately that is how it was for the next two weeks. I had a good lil blue and purple bruise from the painful shot, but other than that just lots of red specs. I would say that by now I am a way good "shot" peptalker. Like seriously, I think I could really help some people out ;)
With all these shots it was time for an appt to see if they were doing what they were supposed to. One was to be making it so I produced a lot of eggs instead of just one and the other was pretty much the same thing. Simply I was just getting a lot of hormones. So I went in for the appt to get an ultrasound that would show how my ovaries were doing and see how many eggs we had. The ultrasound looked pretty cool. If you were to cut a pomegranate in half that is what the picture looked like. But black and white, not red and cream....ya. So it was pretty cool, my ovaries were doing what the hormones were telling them too. I think each side had around 7 eggs :) So this was the weekend before all the big stuff. I would be staying with my aunt due to daily ultrasounds the next week and the plan was the egg retrieval that weekend.
So really the next two weeks of shots went well. It was super easy and I didn't bruise. My belly just had several lil red dots all over, which I am sure is nothing after what having a baby does to your belly ;) Soon enough things started to settle down, I was starting to get a hang of it all. And crazy enough the date for the procedure was really creeping up fast, so fast that I was calling my auntie just a week before making sure I could stay with her for two weeks. As far as calendar stuff goes I was to stop exercising and had two new shots to start. I planned an extra 20 minutes for myself to do the shots before work for the first day. I was feeling quite confident with them because the one before hadn't hurt one bit. So I get them ready and watch the how-to videos to be sure I do everything correctly. There turned out to be a few extra steps to these ones than the previous. Such as pre-mixing and different dosing. So after the how to video I again, gave myself a good pep talk and once again "stabbed with confidence." Oh Jimmy....that needle bounced right off my belly! I disgustingly looked at that needle thinking, "What in the!? You're telling me I have to stab harder!?" I tried a couple more times and finally thought, "Alright...I gotta get to work....15 minutes ago, I'm just gonna have to do this. It'll be done fast." So I put the needle to my skin and pushed....and pushed some more....and then a lil harder (by now this is looking like I was trying to pop a balloon with a spoon.) I can't see the needle, just a bunch of skin being folded in around the needle and finally POP! It went in! I pushed the solution and wiggled that evil needle out of my belly. It's like it was holding on inside, not wanting to come out. By now I am in a cold sweat and really not wanting to do yet ANOTHER one. But with the pressure of time and some more pep talking I worked up the courage and went in. This time the needle went in much easier, painful, but easier. But as I started to push the solution in, there was an insane, intense, terrible, horrific....you get the idea....burning! And it was resisting, I was shaking trying to push it in. It didn't feel right! I was crying, sweating more (I totally shouldn't have even got ready for work that day, any makeup I had on was now dripping off.) I sat there, wondering what I should do. It really did not feel right, but I had to get to work. So, despite the terrible resistance and burning, I inched a little bit in. After each little push I huffed inspiring words. I--(push)--CAN--(push)--DO--(push) THIS! Once done I gave myself a glance of accomplishment in the mirror, applied some insane pressure and was waddling the door like a creepy hunchback. Thank the heavens above I am blessed with a wonderful understanding boss. The site of that shot hurt ALL. DAY. LONG. Later that evening I called the clinic to be sure that this was normal, and although the resistance was normal, the bouncy dull needle was not. But unfortunately that is how it was for the next two weeks. I had a good lil blue and purple bruise from the painful shot, but other than that just lots of red specs. I would say that by now I am a way good "shot" peptalker. Like seriously, I think I could really help some people out ;)
With all these shots it was time for an appt to see if they were doing what they were supposed to. One was to be making it so I produced a lot of eggs instead of just one and the other was pretty much the same thing. Simply I was just getting a lot of hormones. So I went in for the appt to get an ultrasound that would show how my ovaries were doing and see how many eggs we had. The ultrasound looked pretty cool. If you were to cut a pomegranate in half that is what the picture looked like. But black and white, not red and cream....ya. So it was pretty cool, my ovaries were doing what the hormones were telling them too. I think each side had around 7 eggs :) So this was the weekend before all the big stuff. I would be staying with my aunt due to daily ultrasounds the next week and the plan was the egg retrieval that weekend.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
ICSI PROCEDURE VIDEO
This is a video of the procedure ICSI, Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection, where they take a single sperm and implant it into an egg.
http://youtu.be/fKHpq3rbQec
http://youtu.be/fKHpq3rbQec
Something Messy
So once we figured out we could do it we followed our IVF Coordinator downstairs to her office. There we went over what our life was going to be for the next two months. She gave us a January and February calendar, each day filled with things to do, not to do, appts and plenty of other such things. She taught me how I would be doing the shots and by the end of our meeting I was completely overwhelmed. I started to feel like I couldn't do this and was not ready. I starting digging for some upliftment asking her if she felt like we were ready. She assured me that we were and advised me to look at the calendar "one day at a time." After the meeting we went back up stairs and ran our card for $9200 and signed for it.... that was a crazy receipt Yes, $9200. Oh yes, I forgot to mention. A couple days before our appointment, I received a reminder call. Since I was at work they left a message. The message was just reminding us of our appointment and what all we needed to have there, including $9200...not $8000. Wait, what? I had just went through a huge mess of getting a loan for $8000 and now, a couple days before it is due, you are telling me that it is actually $9200? Yes, by this time I am livid and freaking out. See I work at a bank. I had thought that getting a loan wouldn't be any problem. But since I hadn't worked there for super long and Bailey hadn't had his job for super long the didn't feel that it was responsible to give us a loan for that amount. So with time running short on us we worked something out with my parents with the plan that we would pay them for a loan that they are cosigners with us. Well that didn't work either. So they pulled from their own line of credit and this would be paid back when we could get the loan. So I have just figured everything out, got the money FROM my parents and now I find out that, "Oh wait, I need another $1200." Oh that's cool. So I call the clinic and it turns out that they decided that we would need something called ICSI. ICSI is where they manually take the strongest sperm and implant it in the egg, rather than take a bunch of sperm and let it FIND the egg. This is a pretty cool procedure that you can watch on YouTube if you type "ICSI Procedure." Anyways, they felt like this would give us the best results. Which is great and all, if I would've known a week before. Thank goodness we had the extra $1200 in our acct which is what we would have to do. I called the center back and turns out that well I guess, they just decide to do this with our "OK" or not. Whatever, as long as I get my baby. So after giving them all our money (or my parents money) we were done and walking out the door with a load of samples, calendars and to-do's and not to-do's. The next week we would be recieving a call from a Pharmacy out of CA that would be sending all of my medications for my shots. The first two weeks I would be doing a shot every morning along with two medications. The week that I was expecting a call from the Pharmacy I never recieved one and was to be starting the shot the following Monday. So Friday I finally called and they told me they had no orders or anything for me. I then called the clinic and talked to our IVF Coordinator who told me that she had sent the orders 3 times. So she would send them again. Not too long after talking to her I recieved a call from the Pharmacy. It was a mess trying to figure out how we were going to get it there by Monday. There was no rush orders to Vernal, we would have to drive two hours to like Colorado to get it. Or we could recieve it Monday morning and I figured out that it could be delivered at my work and I could put it in the fridge there. So Monday I waited all day. I was supposed to be done with work at 3 and was still waiting for them. I finally called the Pharmacy who called FedEx, who said because of snow storms and such they were running super behind and would be there in about an hour. Gah! It finally arrived at 4:30 and was on my way home. Ugh, why were these things continually happening? There was always something coming up and not working out. Oh my gosh I was so done with this stress already. I got home, which is a good 40 min drive from my work and opened up the box to find insanely HUGE needles. Luckily the medication I would be using had the needles with it, just small insulin shots. But I couldn't help but worry for the future that I'd have to be sticking those giant needles in me. So I got the shot ready, gave myself a little pep talk and just as I was told I "stabbed with confidence." Yes! It didn't hurt! I didn't even feel it! I could so do this! I felt so accomplished and so good that I had done it. So that was the start of the next two weeks of morning shots.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Getting Started...A Rough Ride
So it's been a couple days since my first post. Some days are harder to talk about things than others. Some days I feel like letting everything all out and others I don't want to talk to one soul about it. Already though the blog has helped so much. To see the support that we have all around us really does go so far. Words can't even describe the joy and peace I received when I saw all the people rooting us on. It definitely is a push to keep going and carries me through the hard times.
January came along and I had expressed a lot of my terrible feelings with Bailey. I could tell that the thought of a child was hard for him also. I mean really, who is it not hard for? This is a huge life change! I could tell that he was stressed with work and worried, as all men are, that he would be able to provide. He had just started hauling water for my dad who had a leaser truck to a company called RNI in the oilfields. Many of you might know that the oilfields can be booming one second and down the next. It's hard to think of taking such a big step when we weren't even positive that all this would last even another month. It is so hard to take the step of IVF. There is so much unknown, there are always the what-if's and then the thought if we were actually ready to take such a huge step. It is super hard to make such a huge decision that really, we could put off as long as we wanted. So through many hard discussions we felt like we just needed to do it, almost like it was forceful. Sounds terrible I know. But we knew that if we just kept waiting and waiting that it was too easy to put off. So with the thought of it really happening I became more excited and felt like it was the right thing to do. The Fertility Center told us both that as soon as my cycle starts that I needed to call and report it. So I called and was sent to some answering machine. I never heard a call back....not all weekend. I was freaking out. Boiling mad. We had made up our minds, decided to do this, and now I am thinking that I am going to have to wait another month. Well the following week I called again and no one knows how the message was missed or even where it was sent. But I talked with my nurse and everything was going to be OK. As directed, I started taking birth control pills and a prenatal vitamin and was to take them every day. It was important not to forget, not even once or that would mess everything up and we had to start over. At first I was so confused as to why I was on birth control pills but later found out that it was so they would know exactly when I would be ovulating and such. Timing with all of this was key. We showed up at our appt to see how everything looked. We first did our financial consult. We met with a lady to get all of it settled. It was then, in that meeting, that we were told there actually was NOT a payment plan. There were infertility programs that you could do payments through but of course they were not through the FC and had certain things that threw us off, such as, you get 3 tries of IVF and then a discount on all 3. We still have hopes of miracles happening. You know, the ones where you hear from people who after they adopt they miraculously have their own child. So my heart sank when she told us there was no payment plan. That the $8,000 was due up front at our Baseline appointment which was in about two and a half weeks. Not only that but there would be medications that would be between $2,000-$6,000 and other things such as blood work and anesthesia. I looked at Bailey, tears filling my eyes. He looked at the secretary and told her that there was no way then that we would be able to do it this time. She left to go look at the Dr's notes from our first appt to see if he had said anything about a pymt plan. She came back to tell us she couldn't find anything. My heart was broke. Once again I thought I was going to be getting pregnant and was going to have to put it off, for who knows how long. I sobbed, embarrassingly, as she awkwardly apologized. We still had other things to do at the appt other than our financial consult. So we somberly left to go get an ultrasound in another room. All of my ultrasounds were done vaginally so that was definitely something that I got use to. During the ultrasound the nurse told me that my uterus looked beautiful. Um...I never thought that being told that would make me feel so good! I was healthy and everything looked great. After the ultrasound we were to go meet with our IVF nurse who would help us through every step of the way. Once dressed she stepped in the room and told us she heard that we wouldn't be doing the February transfer. Through tears we told her that we had understood that there was a payment plan and that we just couldn't afford to pay that much money upfront. We said we could get a loan but then we would obviously have to get another loan through somewhere else for the medication. We didn't want to have several loans all in different places. She then asked, "What if I could get all your medications for $1500?" She told us about a program we could apply for that would give us two medications for free and then how we could get a bunch of samples. Bailey said that we could of course do that, that $1500 was something we could pay upfront and then get a loan for the IVF. My heart lept and I felt overwhelmingly humbled. Yet this day was seriously sending me on an insane emotional roller coaster. So once again we were on track for the February transfer.
Friday, March 8, 2013
It's time to let go
So I am a girl and I like to tell everyone everything :) And if I have a super cool secret I really hate keeping it for very long. I figured that it was time to stop keeping everything in and let out all that I have been hiding. I am SO ready to express myself and fill everyone in on what we have been going through the past 6 months.
When my husband, Bailey, was 19 he was diagnosed with cancer, Ewing's Sarcoma. We were dating at the time and I feel it was such a huge blessing to be with him through a lot of the hardships it brought. Although he doesn't remember most of it, and at times I am sad he doesn't, I am still so grateful for the opportunity I had to experience some of what he did. Don't get me wrong, there were terrible times that were hard. I got tired seeing his post throw-up eyes all watery as he said "Ok, we're good to go." And I will never ever forget the one special night where he vented EVERYTHING that was weighing him down from the cancer. There were special times that I will never forget.
So they treated the cancer very aggressively and 8 months later he as cancer free. Six months later he was able to serve an LDS mission, as was I and we returned and were shortly married there after. That is our story in short.
I am surprised that many people do not know that cancer kills cells that multiply quickly. This is why hair is lost and other such things are killed, such as sperm! When diagnosed the Doctors were quick to get chemotherapy started and quickly had Bailey go to save his chemo free sperm. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for this. People have told Bailey that he was wrong for doing it and other such things, but what a blessing! I remember getting so sick of people asking when I was going to have children, especially when I would explain the fact that my husband had cancer. It's like they were seriously clueless as to why that would be keeping us from having children. "Well," they'd say, "I had a friend who had cancer and has kids of his own." Well good for you! I would then explain that after having no such luck with getting pregnant and Bailey still not having much swimmers, that we would probably end up doing Intrauterine Fertilization or In Vitro. I then would get questions like, "Well when are you gonna get started!?" I'd think....as soon as you loan me the 10 grand it takes....
So it wasn't easy as I had thought it really would be. Shortly after a year and a half of marriage I started having strong thoughts that maybe it was time. After much discussion Bailey came to me in September 2012 and told me he felt that we needed to start the process asap. I had heard some great things about a Fertility Place, went to their website, sent my info and had a call the next day. In October we were there with our first consultation. The Dr explained to us that with our situation we would have a higher success rate with In Vitro rather that Intrauterine. As far as I understand Intrauterine is the turkey baster way. It has lower success rates, 40%. In Virtro is where they take my eggs and his sperm and let them harvest and then transfer the strongest blastocyst to my body. It has success rates of 75%. The cost is a huge difference, but in the end it would be worth it. We were told that we could be pregnant by Thanksgiving :)
There were many changes going on in our lives. Bailey had a new job and we were in the process of completely relocating to Vernal Ut, 4 hours away from where we currently were. I was looking for a new job and also stressing about other things that come with moving. The Dr told us that I needed to be as stress and worry free as possible. It was super hard to make the decision to put IVF off and wait until we were settled. I knew that it was going to be a while. But it felt good to get things started, to know what we needed to do next and that there was a payment plan that would make the cost easier. They told me that as soon as we were ready to just call the first day of my period the month before we wanted to get pregnant and that was all we needed to do. So the pace of life took over and we did our move and I started my new job. I started having feelings like, "Maybe I'm not ready for that responsibility," or "I don't want to give up the time that I have with Bailey." When those feelings came I quickly noticed that they weren't "good" feelings, but it was certainly hard to fight them. Starting a family is what we are supposed to do, exactly what Satan would have us NOT do. I knew that it was time and by January we were feeling like it was time to get this show on the road.
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