It's time to let go

So I am a girl and I like to tell everyone everything :)  And if I have a super cool secret I really hate keeping it for very long.  I figured that it was time to stop keeping everything in and let out all that I have been hiding. I am SO ready to express myself and fill everyone in on what we have been going through the past 6 months.    

When my husband, Bailey, was 19 he was diagnosed with cancer, Ewing's Sarcoma. We were dating at the time and I feel it was such a huge blessing to be with him through a lot of the hardships it brought.  Although he doesn't remember most of it, and at times I am sad he doesn't, I am still so grateful for the opportunity I had to experience some of what he did. Don't get me wrong, there were terrible times that were hard.  I got tired seeing his post throw-up eyes all watery as he said "Ok, we're good to go." And I will never ever forget the one special night where he vented EVERYTHING that was weighing him down from the cancer.  There were special times that I will never forget.

So they treated the cancer very aggressively and 8 months later he as cancer free.  Six months later he was able to serve an LDS mission, as was I and we returned and were shortly married there after. That is our story in short. 

I am surprised that many people do not know that cancer kills cells that multiply quickly.  This is why hair is lost and other such things are killed, such as sperm! When diagnosed the Doctors were quick to get chemotherapy started and quickly had Bailey go to save his chemo free sperm.  Words cannot describe how grateful I am for this.  People have told Bailey that he was wrong for doing it and other such things, but what a blessing!  I remember getting so sick of people asking when I was going to have children, especially when I would explain the fact that my husband had cancer.  It's like they were seriously clueless as to why that would be keeping us from having children.  "Well," they'd say, "I had a friend who had cancer and has kids of his own."  Well good for you! I would then explain that after having no such luck with getting pregnant and Bailey still not having much swimmers, that we would probably end up doing Intrauterine Fertilization or In Vitro.  I then would get questions like, "Well when are you gonna get started!?"  I'd think....as soon as you loan me the 10 grand it takes....  

So it wasn't easy as I had thought it really would be.  Shortly after a year and a half of marriage I started having strong thoughts that maybe it was time. After much discussion Bailey came to me in September 2012 and told me he felt that we needed to start the process asap.  I had heard some great things about a Fertility Place, went to their website, sent my info and had a call the next day.  In October we were there with our first consultation.  The Dr explained to us that with our situation we would have a higher success rate with In Vitro rather that Intrauterine.  As far as I understand Intrauterine is the turkey baster way.  It has lower success rates, 40%.  In Virtro is where they take my eggs and his sperm and let them harvest and then transfer the strongest blastocyst to my body.  It has success rates of 75%.  The cost is a huge difference, but in the end it would be worth it.  We were told that we could be pregnant by Thanksgiving :)  

There were many changes going on in our lives.  Bailey had a new job and we were in the process of completely relocating to Vernal Ut, 4 hours away from where we currently were.  I was looking for a new job and also stressing about other things that come with moving. The Dr told us that I needed to be as stress and worry free as possible. It was super hard to make the decision to put IVF off and wait until we were settled.  I knew that it was going to be a while.  But it felt good to get things started, to know what we needed to do next and that there was a payment plan that would make the cost easier.  They told me that as soon as we were ready to just call the first day of my period the month before we wanted to get pregnant and that was all we needed to do.  So the pace of life took over and we did our move and I started my new job.  I started having feelings like, "Maybe I'm not ready for that responsibility," or "I don't want to give up the time that I have with Bailey."  When those feelings came I quickly noticed that they weren't "good" feelings, but it was certainly hard to fight them.  Starting a family is what we are supposed to do, exactly what Satan would have us NOT do.  I knew that it was time and by January we were feeling like it was time to get this show on the road.